water droplets //dnf//

traces

It's almost as if he was never here. He left as quick as he came.

But when I step into the house it doesn't feel that way, not one bit. I see traces of him everywhere. His clothes and his scent, still just as strong as when we left.

Now I'm the only one left.

The aura is different, but the same. It still feels like George is alive and well. Like he just left for a trip, and he'll be back soon. And I can keep thinking that; but it's better to accept the reality. That he won't come back, and all these traces of him are now memories.

Eyeliner left on the table. His nail polish bottles on the kitchen counter, sitting alongside the q-tips. Skirts folded neatly on the couch after I did laundry. His favorite keychain on the key-holder by the door.

Everything is his.

I was his. I remind me of him. The way I talk, breathe, move, and everything I do has changed because of him.

And now I'm in the house, alone, because of him.

It wasn't meant to be like this.

-

I don't have the guts to move anything, I don't want to interfere with the last things I have of George.

So I sit on the floor right beside the front door.

I grab my phone, deciding I should see if everyone's okay. Although I know they aren't. I haven't checked since it happened.

I see the texts and calls from my friends. All of them called at least 20 times. Its gut wrenching to think about how they felt once they finally found out.

Of course my first thought was Sapnap, he's called me the most.

He knew I was with George, I shouldn't have just ignored him.

I hesitate to press the facetime icon, but I do. He deserves to know it all.

It doesn't ring more than once before he picks up.

"..dream."

I can't respond, speaking isn't really something that gets easier. I feel like I don't deserve it.

"dream, are you okay?"

He's crying, I wonder how long he's known. Yet I still can't find the breath to ask. Instead I shake my head.

"i am so sorry man, if i knew-if i really knew what you guys were going throug- dream..."

His words are shaky and separated; I haven't seen him this vulnerable in a while.

"dream can you say something, i need to know you're okay."

I want to yell, I want to scream until my throat runs dry and tell him everything. I want to hit something until my fists bleed, or anything to make me stop feeling the pain.

But instead I reply with a mere two words.

"i can't-", I couldn't finish the sentence.

"oh thank god. dream where have you been?"

ive been hurting sap, i feel like everything is flooding and i can't escape. i need help.

"a hotel."

He knows Im bullshitting. I'm trying to cover it up and act fine. But how could I be fine after this.

"dream, you don't need to say anything man, i know it's hard. but we're all really w-worried about you. none of us.. none of us expected this from george. we don't... we don't want-"

"you don't want me to be next."

I can't blame them. I'm unstable, and it's not hard to see. But I don't think... I'll do that. George wouldn't want me too.

"yeah... it's hard on us too you know? fans were saying it and i thought it was a joke. do you know how heart broken i was to know it was true. how hurt i was to find out george killed himself and you didn't tell us?"

"sapnap-"

"we were fucking terrified that you would do it too. i couldn't tell them that you were dating him so it was harder on you. because guess what, it isn't. we're hurting as much as you. the most you could've done is tell us first-hand."

Fuck. I don't know if I'm sad or angry but either way that's uncalled for, and even I can see it. I can't let him say that.

"do you know how hard it was for me?! to walk into a hotel room and see my boyfriend was gone. and he was dead. he killed himself sapnap. while i was 5 minutes away. you couldn't know how hard it was to see his dead body. cold and pale, just sitting there. i couldn't kiss him or hug him. he was just fucking gone. do you think my first thought was to tell you? i lost him sap... i didn't mean to. i just, i couldn't. i'm still not ready to talk about it, and you're yelling at me for not telling you? you inconsiderate prick... i just lost him- i lost.."

I lost it. The tear drops started to fall quickly, staining my shirt. I know he wouldn't ever say anything like that and mean it, but it still hurt.

"shit dude.. i didn't mean to say it like that. i just know we're all hurting-"

"i fucking lost him sap,, how-how did i let him... do that."

He fell silent. George would know what to do right now. But neither of us do.

"i know you're not ready to talk dream, i'm sorry for barging in. i'll wait as long as you need."

We sat on the phone for hours, doing absolutely nothing. It's weird how are relationship works. But it works for us.

Crying on the phone is a weird feeling. I want to comfort him but it's hard. We're speaking through technology and not to eachother.

"sap you should come to florida."

-

I don't know why I asked him to come. But it felt right. Maybe I needed someone, maybe I wanted to explain everything. But something compelled me to ask.

And now he's on his way.

Everything is messed up, so maybe having one stable person is what I need. I don't know if or when I'll be ready to talk about it, but I know there will be people wanting to know soon.

I look at the bag that's dropped onto the floor, the mere contents fitting loosely.

His book is here. Just a foot away. I should've never went and got the book. This stupid fucking book. I could've stayed with George, I could've saved him. But this book.

I reached into my bag, ready to tear the pages out piece by piece. Ready to rip and burn.

But I once again remember that it's a piece of him. No matter if it's a negative or positive connotation, it's a part of him. And I need everything I can't get.

Knowing that he's read this means one thing, that I have to read it too. So even after he's gone I can get closer to him.

our youth is wasted
we will not waste it
remember my name
'cause we made history