water droplets //dnf//

field

I drive through the city. Nothing to distract nor entertain me. The silence was intimidatingly loud.

I've had this playlist open for 30 minutes; contemplating listening to the songs.

This will provide clarification. But alongside it will be hurt, and the pain of knowing how bad George was hurting.

But now is better than never. I shuffle to find the find the auxiliary cord, plugging it into the phone beside me. A quick click of the shuffle button starts a song.

With the start of the music, I turn the volume knob up. I match my breaths to the tempo; finding comfort in the base.

The chorus is prominent as it strikes my speakers.

And of course, just as the lyrics play, rain begins.

Subtle drops on my windshield at first, but as the songs continued, so did the droplets. For the first time since George has gone.. I feel here. Not fine. But alive, and aware.

Like I could actually live. Still struggling with living positively without George. But the comfort of the rain... makes me think I'll at least get through it.

It is hard to accept the fact that no matter how much history we made.. we couldn't make the future. The future I wanted at least.

We weren't written in the stars, or carved in the ground. Our names lit up like flames.. but flames die out. Flames come to an end. Our end was just sooner than hoped.

I've always thought driving helped calm me down. But now driving without something to come home to, just seemed unnecessary.

It might seem repetitive to say, but recently all I was living for was George. And now he's not there to come home to, make dinner for, and lay with as I sleep.

But it's always seems as though the world is trying to keep me here. Keep me alive and aware.

As i'm driving through the the empty and quiet kenopsia of a town, in the distance there's a field. A juxtaposition from all the grays and browns.

The dry wheat and corn fade as the colors approach.

I don't remember seeing it on the way to the hotel.

Bright and blossoming blues and purples blend with the grass. I've seen those flowers before, forget-me-nots.

I can't help but imagine George and I in the field, laying side by side. The flowers were pretty but he was prettier; perfect.

I'd make him a flower crown, it'd probably break. So we'd settle on a flower tucked behind his ear. A perfect contrast with his hair.

I imagine him describing how he sees it. How the green field looks from his view. But we could bond over how we see the blues. We could both appreciate the flowers.

I imagine how we'd sleep in the fields until sundown, then watch the sunset. But I'd get up before the sunrise so George could see it.

I love the moon but he loved the sun.

Loved.

And as quick as it appeared, it was gone. The field was a subtle flash of hope. A small break in the hurt.

Right back to the kenopsia...

But it reminded me of how George described his 'heaven'. The field that he'd return to after he, left.

I cant say I'm happy he's gone, I'll never say that; but if he's going somewhere I have a strong feeling it's the field. I just know how safe it'd make him feel. I'm happy he's relieved.

Now all the pressures on me. But if that's what makes George happy, I guess I can learn to be happy too. Not right now, I wouldn't even say the near future. But sometime, somewhere, I'll be okay.

The songs continue to play on the considerably loud radio. But I feel more connected to him that way. He made this playlist for me, he thought about me.

I want to be okay. But as I arrive closer to my house, the energy gets worse and worse. I'll have to come to terms with the lack of feelings and connection. The lack of George.

He made me whole, he fixed my heart and put the pieces back together perfectly. It's hurting to think I'll have to do that by myself now. 

I'm approaching my neighborhood. How hurt would they be knowing one of their occupants has died? How hurt would his parents be, his friends, our friends... the fans.

To be honest, maybe they already know. Maybe it was broadcasted on the news and they're questioning whether or not it's real. And I wish I had the heart and energy to tell them; tell them everything. Rant and cry and be so vulnerable that I'm able to let it all out.

But we all know I can't. I'm one person, yet I have so much influence on people. I cant be the one the share the news.

I stop zoning out when I make the turn.. onto my street. Maybe it's cliche, but it really does feel different without him. Like I'm missing something.

As my foot carefully presses on the brake to slow down, I see our house. My house.

I try and focus as I pull into the driveway. But as soon as I park, I break down.

I'm here, without George, without the ability to talk with the love of my life, and not able to speak to anyone about it. Not like I'd want to. Nobody knows George like I do. And now they never will.

The tears continue to flow, droplets falling onto the blue denim pants, staining them into a deeper blue.

The songs in the background didn't help either.

Slow timbre and melodies hum in the back of my head. The particularly chosen songs for me,  hurt me more than I could imagine. How could he do this.

I want to go inside. Forget this ever happened and just hop onto a game. Speak with Sap and George on a voice call with the usual tension between us. Sap laughing at my inappropriate jokes and George getting flustered.

I never would've thought we'd get to the point of one of us.. dying. Never even crossed my mind. And if it did, I would've presumed me first. Not in a million years, would it have been George. Yet, it was.

I want to get out of the car, but I can't. I want to speak to George, but I can't. I want to be happy, but I just can't. I cant fucking do anything.

I told you, I'm weak. George would've been able to get through this. I cant.

I cant do it without him. Fuck it all... fuck everything and anyone if George isn't here.

What is the point?

‼️‼️: hey guys, really happy with this chapter. the story is almost finished but I'm considering writing an epilogue(just 2 chapters maybe). but i guess we will see.

‼️‼️stay safe, drink water and eat if u can. i love u all sm