Ultraviolence -Damiano David

6

"I don't understand what you're saying. "

I pretend I have no idea, while inside I'm terrified at the thought that he knows.
I'm begging in my heart to just make fun of me.
"We both know you know what I'm saying, so tell me, did you have a good time?"
His expression is ironic and I bow my head looking at the floor.
I have no words.
"Sorry. "
That's all I can manage to say. I feel terrible. I feel like a whore.
"You still want him like that?"
I look at him intently and think about my answer.
Yes, I still want him.
"No. No, I swear I don't want him. I wanted to see my old gang. To see them in person. That's all. "
I feel even worse about lying to him. I'm afraid to be alone again though. I'm afraid to leave myself alone again.
"I don't believe you. "
Tears stream from my eyes without my control.
"John, I swear. I feel nothing for anyone but you. "
I'm watching him take the
car keys angry.
"Where. . . where are you going?"
"I'm drowning in here. Don't wait for me. I'll be late. "
"John, I don't want us to break up. "
"We won't Stella."

[...]

The sound of the alarm clock makes me wake up suddenly. I blink again and again to get used to the sun coming in through the windows. I notice that I've fallen asleep on the couch crying and that John, hasn't come back yet. All I can find is a message that he'll be back this afternoon.
Without any appetite I get up to get ready.
I wear whatever I can find in front of me and I don't even look in the mirror because I know I'm a mess.
Today is the last day at school. That's the only good thing because it's time to rest.
I get in my car and follow the routine I've had for the last year.
When I arrive at school, I try to look happy but it's hopeless.
"Good morning ma'am" I hear children calling me and I greet them sweetly. I love children for that and I love the work I do.
Today is just a small celebration with students and parents. Nothing special. I choose to sit on an edge playing with my phone.
I see that I have a notification on instagram and I open it. I roll my eyes when I see that Damiano has just followed me. I stare at his photos for a while and how much he has changed in 4 years. We broke up when we were 18, we were still kids.

The day goes by boring and thank god when the celebration is over. On my way out of school I hear a voice calling my name and I try to find out where it comes from.
"You've never been good at navigating. "
"Victoria? What are you doing here?"
"I want to talk. Somewhere private. "
I nod positively.
"Let's go to my place, we'll be alone. "
I unlock the car, get in, and then she gets in. It seems so weird and uncomfortable and no one is even talking.
Ten minutes seems like an eternity before we get there.
"Nice house. "
She says and i thank her.
I open the door and we go in.
"Sit. Do you want me to get you something to drink?"
I wait for her to sit down to answer me but she shakes her head in the negative.
The atmosphere is charged.

"So, what did you want me for?"
I sit across from her and wait for her to speak.
"Why did you come to the concert yesterday?"
"Damiano told me. "
I answer honestly.
"Where did you see him?"
I laugh at the thought of her questioning me, yet I answer her.
"One day when my car broke down, I ran into him. He helped me and he fixed it. That's all. "
It takes him a while to speak again.
I look at her questioningly but she doesn't seem to care.
"Why did you leave like that? Without even saying goodbye to us. "
I'm smoking up.
"It would be more difficult. "
"No. What was harder was to leave us all without expecting it. Calling you 30 times a day and you not picking up. That was more difficult. "
Try to hold back my tears still
once but it's impossible.
"I'm sorry. I thought it would be better to cut up with all of you after my breakup with Damiano. "
"We were best friends. I wouldn't say no to you leaving and following your dream; you could have kept in touch with me. "
"I know, but I was in pain. "

"Do you know how hard it was for all of us? Especially for Damiano and I. For a whole year he didn't sleep. He didn't sing. He didn't do anything. You even missed to Thomas. "
"It was unbearable for me too. I was learning about you from social media. I wish I could turn back time and never leave. "
She bursts into tears and I have no idea if I should go near her.
"Do you hate me?"
I ask through my tears.
"We can't hate you. "
It is my turn not to answer.
I have no words. I can feel my throat burning.
"Do you still want him?"
"Yes. I thought I was making progress but when I saw him I knew I didn't."

"But he did it. And now he's engaged to this sweet girl. "
"I know Victoria. I know. "
"But I can't lose you again. "
I stare at her, speechless.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I can't keep you away again.I want you back in my life. "
I don't speak but I hug her tightly.
"Me too. I missed you so much. "