The Road that leads to Somewhere

Chapter 9

Chapter 9

            “Go away Jamie, she doesn’t want to see you!” I heard Libby hiss and soon my eyes became blurry with a new batch of tears. I can’t believe he is here. What the fuck is he doing here?

            “Please, just let me talk to her, I can explain” he pleaded and my heart broke even more hearing his desperation, which I didn’t think was possible. Why does he have to sound so broken? He doesn’t deserve to be feeling broken…. No, I don’t deserve to be broken. He deserves to be trampled on.

            “No Jamie, you’ve absolutely shattered her to pieces” I flinch when I hear that, “she doesn’t need you coming here and making her feel even worse, how could you do this to her? After everything you two have been through?” she said, incredulously and I love her for saying everything that I would be saying myself.

            “I know Lib, but please, just let me explain everything to her, I want to make this right,” he begs and I cant stand listening to this conversation any longer. I get up out of bed and stretch out my aching muscles.

            “You don’t deserve to have her hear your explanation, you disgust me” I heard Libby say as I reach the bottom of the stairs and I go to stand behind her.

            “I know, I disgust my…. Beth”

            I look at him over Libby’s shoulder and wince at how awful he looks. Don’t get me wrong, he still looks beautiful, enough to make my heart race and for my body to betray my feelings, but he looks beautifully broken.

            “Babe, you don’t have to talk to him,” Libby said softly, but I can’t take my eyes off him. He isn’t the person I thought I knew anymore. The Jamie I knew, the boy I grew up with, the boy I could depend on, isn’t standing in front of me. It is this realization that gives me the strength to step out onto the doorstep and start to shut the door behind me.

            “Its Ok Lib, I’ll be 5 minutes, there is stuff I need to say to him” I assure her with a brief smile to let her know I can do this.

            “Alright, well I’m just behind this door if you need me” she said, and gives Jamie one last glare before softly closing the door.

            I push past him and walk to the end of her garden path, expecting him to follow me and I stop and stare out at the road in front of me. I feel him come and stand beside me but he makes no move to touch me, which I’m glad about.

            We stand like that for a further 10 minutes, neither of us saying anything, neither of us moving. Just breathing.

            “Why?” is all I say when I finally decide to open my mouth.

            “Beth, its not what you think” he repeats the same words from his array of texts and voicemails.

            “Then tell me what I think Jamie”

            “I didn’t sleep with her”

            “But you kissed her”

            “Yes..but..”

            “STOP!” I shout, making him jump. I whirled round to face him with anger and heart break written all over my face, “Don’t try and make an excuse for this, how long has this been going on with her? Since before New Year?”

            “erm…I don’t know…maybe..erm” he stutters and it makes me more angry that he isn’t just telling me the truth.

            “Just spit it out, how long have you been seeing her?”

            “Since I started uni” he mumbles and I nearly keel over at this information.

            “Oh my god, so everything you said to me over Christmas break, and since has been a fucking lie?”

            “No, don’t say that, everything I said to you I meant, I couldn’t get you out of my head when we got back from Portugal” he said and I scoffed at his statement.

            “Yeah, you thought of me so much that you started seeing someone else”

            “I started seeing her to try and get you off my mind, but then I saw you on Christmas Eve and you looked so beautiful, I couldn’t just let you go”

            “Stop lying to me!” I shout, “don’t think you can just say all these nice things and think everything is going to be ok, because its not!! Do you even realise how much you have hurt me? How could you do this to me? Me Jamie, of all people, how could you do this to me?” I end my rant on a sob and he reaches out to try and pull me to him but I step back before he can.

            “DON’T TOUCH ME!” I scream and bury my head in my hands.

            “Please, baby, its over with her now, I tried to end it over Christmas but she wouldn’t take no for an answer, please you have to forgive me” he pleads, as tears start to fall down onto his cheeks. I’ve never seen him cry before, not in the 11 years that I’ve known him, but it has no effect on me. I can’t let it have an effect on me.

            “It’s too late Jamie, nothing you can say or do can fix this, I can’t forgive you for this and you shouldn’t expect me to” I said, wanting this conversation to end. I don’t think I can handle much more of this.

            “Don’t say that, we can get through this, I can’t lose you, I will tell everybody everything, I will tell Dan about us, I don’t care who knows, just please don’t leave me” he pleads but it wont work. I can’t deal with this right now and I just need to get away from him.

            “I can’t do this right now, just leave me alone Jamie, don’t call me or text me just….just leave me alone” I finish on a whisper and turn to walk back up the garden path. I hear him shout in frustration but I don’t turn around. I just carry on walking until I am through the front door. It is once I am inside that I allow myself to crumble and I fall to the floor and sob. I think on some level I knew that, that was going to be the last time I speak to Jamie for a while.

Jamie

I. am. a. prick.

What the hell have I done?

I’ll tell you what I’ve done, I’ve just gone a lost the best thing that has ever happened to me.

All for what? A quick fumble with an insignificant girl I couldn’t care less about. Why did I give into the pressure? Because I’m a prick, that’s why, but I’ve already said that. I was drunk, and stupid and feeling the pressure from all sides, and maybe if I would’ve been a man and told Dan that I had feelings for his sister, I could have got out of going to that stupid party and I could have had a nice evening with Beth, like I wanted all along. But I didn’t do that, and now I’ve lost her. I acted like a boy and Beth deserves better. She deserves a man who is going to take care of her and relish having her on his arm. Who wants to shout it from the rooftops and show her off to everyone who will watch and listen.

That’s what I should have done and what I want to do, but it’s too late now and I probably will never get another chance. I only have myself to blame but I hope she realizes eventually how much I care for her and always will.

And even now, after such a short time of having her, no one, not a long relationship, a short fling or the girl I end up marrying will ever be her.