The Road that leads to Somewhere

Chapter 18

Chapter 18

            The next few weeks leading up to Jamie's surgery were a blur of devastation, anxiety, pretending things were ok when they weren't, and generally moving from day to day with as much strength as I could muster.

            When we were in the same room, we both acted like nothing was wrong, we acted exactly like we had been acting these past few months and from the outside, no one would know what had gone on except us. But that is what it was, acting, both of us pretending that nothing had happened and that there wasn't a massive gulf between us now that neither of us knew how to cross. Ruth might have suspected something. She had tried to keep her distance from me as much as she could, which I understood, and I had made a conscious effort not to make eye contact with Jamie or converse with him when she was around. I didn't want her getting the wrong idea and he had clearly agreed with my decision to not act on any of our feelings. I noticed him pulling away from Ruth at times, when she trying to show him some affection, but I assumed that was due to his nervousness over the impending surgery.

            He seemed to be pulling away from everyone, his family, Dan, and Ruth but I had been the one to pull away from him, so I couldn't blame him or berate him for going into his own world. If thats what he needed to do to cope then thats what he should do.

            Libby was my rock over the weeks leading up to the surgery. If she wasn't there in person she was on the other end of the phone everyday, talking to me and listening to me and pulling me back from the edge, when I felt like I wanted to take back everything I had said to him and just be with him. She would tell me I'm doing the right thing for everyone involved but I also know that if I really did change my mind she would be there for me too. I didn't know what I would do without her when she went off to university in Edinburgh next year. She had taken a year out to work and earn some money for when she left and I was kind of jealous of her that she was getting to go and live somewhere completely different.

            I was starting to feel like that was exactly what I needed too, to get away from all my demons and memories that prevented me from moving on. I would always carry Jamie with me, he had a piece of my heart and a part of my soul that I wouldn't want back even if he offered it, but that didn't mean I wanted to live my life waiting on him. I made the mistake of getting to close to him again, at a time when he was vulnerable and I knew that his situation was a heavy influence on what he was feeling for me. I couldn't put myself through it a third time, and i feel distance would make us both take a step back from whatever it is that is between us.

            The week leading up to his surgery was like any other week. I worked and went to lectures and I studied in my free time. I saw Libby, Lauren and Tegan, meeting up with them at our local pub and trying to take my mind off what was happening that week. It may have worked for a couple of hours but as soon as I got home that evening, my mind was back to whirring with thoughts and my stomach was churning at the worst possible outcome.

            I hardly slept at all that week so by the Thursday of Jamie's surgery, I had probably totaled a number of 8 hours sleep in 3 days. My appetite had disappeared and I was running pretty much on adrenaline alone.

            Jamie was going into the hospital at 10am on that Thursday morning, with his surgery booked for 12pm. His mom and his dad were the only ones allowed to go with him and wait for him at the hospital, while he was in surgery, so the rest of us tried to go about our day like normal, waiting for any phone call that held some news for us. I spent the day at home, calling in sick for my shift at work (but I think my boss understood the real reason I wasn't in work that day) and spent the day trying to write an assignment for my journalism class.