The Road that leads to Somewhere

Chapter 19

Chapter 19

            We lay there for a while, neither of us saying anything, just listening to each other breathe. That was fine by me, it felt good to hear him breathe, letting me know he was ok and still here, it was the best sound in the world. I know I needed to tell him what I had been planning over the last few days. In the hours I hadn't been sleeping I was making plans for the upcoming months and I wanted Jamie to be the first to know about them. However, telling him would be harder than telling anybody else and I didn't want to put it off any longer.

            "So"

            "Are..."

            We both spoke at the same time and then cracked up laughing. It was good to hear him laugh too and that sound came a close second to the sound of him breathing next to me.

            "Don't make me laugh Bee, my head still hurts from being caved in," he teased and I rolled my eyes at his dramatics.

            "God Jay, you make it sound like you had brain surgery or something" I smirked at him and he chuckled at me. He slowly turned over in his bed to face me and I did the same, resting my hands under my head on the pillow.

            "So things went well with the surgery huh?" I asked.

            "From what I can gather, I had not long woken up when you all came in so it was being explained to me as you passed out, but they seem to have got all of the tumour, just a few months of recovery and medication and I should be able to get back to normal life, nothing too strenuous" he answered, with a small smile on his lips. God I was going to miss them lips and the words that came out of them.

            "That's amazing Jay, I'm so relieved that you're okay, I don't know what I would have done if...."

            "Hey, don't even go there, you really think I would have left you behind?" he said softly and I swallowed the lump down in my throat, guilt eating me up at what I was about to tell him. Because thats exactly what i was about to do to him.

            "I've got something to tell you," I blurt out before I lose my nerve.

            "Oh? What is it?" he asked, scrunching his brow up in curiosity.

            "Well, I don't know if you know this, but Lib is going to University in Edinburgh next year, and it got me thinking, with everything that has happened I feel like I could do with getting away so I've looked into transferring to a uni up there and going with her" I get it out pretty much in all one breath and then I look at him to gage his reaction.

            He looks at me unblinking for about 30 seconds, before his eyes clear and he shakes his head as if to come back to himself.

            "Right, ok...and this is what you want?"

            "I think so yeah, it would be a fun adventure and I would be going with Libby so I wouldn't be on my own" I replied, trying to smile but struggling through the tears mounting in my eyes.

            "When would you be leaving?" I noticed the absence of the word 'me' at the end of that sentence, I also noticed that the word would have fitted in perfectly but I tried to shove it aside.

            "Not until next summer, so I would still complete my first year here, and I would be here for your recovery and until you were back on your feet again" I assured him, hoping that would be enough for him not to hate me for leaving him.

            "I want you to be happy Bee, and if going to Edinburgh is going to make you happy I want you to go" he said, smiling softly at me. I felt like a huge weight was lifted straight off my shoulder at his words and I let out a breath. I smiled back at him.

            "Thank you Jay, that means everything to me" I said sincerely, discreetly wiping the few tears that slipped from my eyes.

            "You mean everything to me" he whispered and I closed my eyes, trying to prevent the onslaught of tears threatening to fall.

 I knew this might be the last time we had to be completely alone, to say what needed to be said and to get off our chests what we were both feeling. Nothing that we said that day would change anything, how could it after everything that had happened, but just saying the words became the most important thing and I couldn't hold them in any longer.

 "I love you Jay"

 After a few million racing heartbeats of silence, I opened my eyes and got swept away in his deep, soulful eyes that I could never get enough of looking into. What I saw wasn't shock or surprise; it wasn't anger, embarrassment or pity. All I could see was love shining out of them, and it soothed my soul to see.

            He took a few deep breaths, in and out, like he was preparing himself for what he was about to say back. I held my breath in anticipation.

"I love you too"

And then I let it go.

Jamie

            She left the hospital before me, obviously, and I felt like she was taking my heart with her when I saw her walk out the door. I knew she wasn't going to Edinburgh for a good six months, but I still felt like that was our goodbye in the hospital room. I didn't even get to tell her that I planned to break up with Ruth when the time was right and to ask her to wait for me. It was on the tip of my tongue to say it, but when her face lit up telling me about Scotland, I couldn't ask her to do it. She had her life to go and lead, and I knew I had a long road ahead of me to get myself on track. I knew I had a long ways to go before I would be good enough for her, and I wanted to become that man for her before I asked her to be with me.

            My mom had always told me, 'you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else' and I know both me and Beth needed to achieve that before we gave things a chance between us. I knew in my heart of hearts she was the one for me, but I did not want to screw up again and in order for me to do that, I needed to get my shit together.

            So as hard as it was watching her walk away from me 6 months later, I knew it wasn't forever, I knew we would find our way back to each other, and I think deep down, she knew it too.