Because Of Kumu

Chapter 7 - Inis!

    Malaki ang agwat ng kuya ko saakin. Pinanganak siya nung 1999, habang ako naman ay nung 2004. Di na kami nagkasama simula nung nagtrabaho si mama sa ibang bansa. Kung saan saang school ako napunta that time kasi kinuha ako ng papa nung nung grade 2 ako, then kinuha ako ulit ng mama ko, hanggang sa mabalik ulit ako kay papa. Sobrang hirap lumaki kasama yung mga taong di mo kadugo. Yung tipong tuwing may get together mga family nila, parang naleleft out ako? Kasi ako lang yung di nila kakilala masyado and di nila kapamilya?

    Naghiwalay sila mama at papa nung mga grade 2 ako. Well...Matagal na silang may issue, simula nung nalaman naming may anak siya sa iba. Di ko matanggal sa isip ko kung pano kami nagbeg na bumalik yung papa ko samin. Nagtratrabaho siya sa Manila non kaya nagbyahe pa kami from our Province. Nakita ko kung gano umiyak si mama sa harapan ng papa habang sinaraduhan lang kami ng pinto. Umalis lang kami ng apartment then di na namin alam kung saan pupunta, sobrang late na nung gabing yun so walang mga sasakyan sa daan. We were walking at the street. I remember how dark it is on the streets, I seen how sad my shadow is, from the street lights.
"Saan tayo pupunta ma?" tanong ko.
"Hindi ko alam." sagot niya, it was only me and her in the middle of the streets. May nakita kaming tindahan sa may bandang right side namin, then may mga nakasabit na plastic sa mga bubong yung parang may advertisement ng load ba? Kumuha si mama ng ganon, tinanggal niya sa pagkasabit, then nilapag niya sa may sidewalk. We were sitting there staring at the street lights.
    "Punta nalang kaya tayo kila tita Venus?" I suggested, alam kong malapit lang sila doon, but mom insisted.
    "Gusto mong kumain?" Tanong ni mama and I said yes, I am not hungry that time pero favorite ko yung ulam namin which is yung langgonisa, and I wanted to distract my mom from what just happened a while ago. She didn't eat anything, kahit anong yaya ko ayaw niya. I keep begging her, pero hindi siya sumasagot, pinapakain niya lang ako. Merong kasama si papa sa apartment, yung pinsan ata yun ni mama na si tito Anthony, I don't know what happen after I ate dinner, the only words I can remember na sinabi ni mama sakin ay kung gusto ko daw ba bumalik sa apartment, then I answered yes. Then the next memories I only remember was so dark. I remember how tito Anthony accepted us inside the apartment, and waking up on mama's lap and playing around with my fingers. I still remember what does the dish soap smells like after I washed my hands, I remember what does the SM looks like when we are inside before we went home, and that was all.

Mabalik tayo sa pagtatanong ko kay Joseph kung ilang taon na siya.
"How old are you?" I asked.
"Ayoko sabihin, mag iiba kasi yung paningin mo pag sinabi ko sayo." I mean, I am comfortable na sakanya, pero syempre kung may magkakagusto sakin like 7 years older or older than sa kuya ko, there's a possibility na tatalikuran ko sila, kasi ang weird talaga men! Ok lang sana kung parang kuya kuya ko lang pero hindi eh. (alam kong mali, pero its really weird to be in a relationship with a guy na mas matanda pa sa kuya ko). I don't care if I'm wrong, but that's what my mindset works. Kahit gano ka ka-matured syempre masusunod pa rin yung kung anong gusto natin. Am I right? Wrong? C'mon! We have our own perspective!
    "Ano nga?" Tanong ko for the last time.
    "22" sagot niya. Though I'm really into a people's attitude, I think 22 years olds doesn't fit for 16 year olds.
    "Ahh" Di ko alam kung anong isasagot ko sakanya. Nagka-usap na kami ng kay tagal tagal, sobrang comfortable na ako sakanya, pero nagbago lahat after nung sinagot niya tanong ko.
    "Odiba? Parang di ka na komportable saakin?" He stated, I really wanna answer yes but I think that would hurt him.
    "Hindi naman" sinagot ko. I keep reminding myself na "Age doesn't matter", pero yung risk? I can't take that risk kasi sobrang bigat to handle.

    ~I am that person na yung the word "Risk" is very important to me. We all take risks every minute, every hour, and everyday, it's either deciding what you do and taking risks for everything you decided to do. But the only "RISK" I only wanted to do is when I'm ready for the relationship, ready for introducing the guy I really love the most to my parents. Alam naman nating yun yung pinaka mahirap na gawin if you guys have strict parents. Taking that risk is when I know I can face any consequences for that man I really wanted to be mine, and deserve to hear the words "Yes" and "I do" from me.~