Assistants Please

Breathe

Down the narrow hallway I open the door. The nursery looking around at all the decorations and toys I can't help but smile a little bit. Jane wasnt ready for this world, even if we were ready for her. I place a small box on the shelf and walk out. Finding Jimmy on the couch.

"Hey." I sigh sitting next to him.

"Hey." He reply's staring at the wall.

"I Love you."

"I love you." He smiles back.

We've already announced it. Jimmys taken a little break for about a month.

"Do you think it's time to go back?" I ask leaning into him.

"I don't know." He sighs breaking his eyes from the wall and looking at me. "I need to do something for the fans but."

"It's okay honey I know. They understand you've got to focus on yourself. Are you ready?"

"Yeah I think so." He sighs wrapping his arm around me. "Are you ready?"

"I don't think so. I'll be behind the camera." He nods and kisses my forehead before standing up and calling Chris.

"We're good to go. Are you sure you're ready?" I sigh and nod standing beside him.

After a quite ride to the office we walk through the doors.

A few hours pass as we shoot and edit the video. I wasn't present in it, the thought of being on camera right now is way more overwhelming than I'd like to admit.

That's all I feel anymore, overwhelmed, or empty. I know jimmys not doing well, buts he's trying. Tuckers going to be here in 3 weeks and counting. I know I should be excited, but in 3 weeks at 6 days, Jane would've been here.

I think of a world with Jane in it. Is finger painting in the kitchen, playing tag outside. The school dances, the heart breaks. Growing up with her, having that connection and watching my daughter grow Into a wonder, beautiful woman. I imagine her smile would remind me of jimmys, the way her nose would've curved like mine, her eyes as blue as the ocean or as dark as the finest chocolate.

I wonder if my first born would look like her, or if they would've gotten along. I feel guilty like maybe I had done something wrong, not done enough. No matter what it is I know I can't have her. I'll never feel that grasp of her hand, or see her twirl at dance practice, or paint her first photo, shoot her first hoop it doesn't matter what she would've been into I was determined to be there.

Chandler walks in breaking my train of thought.

"Hey. You alright?" He asks sitting next to me. I shake my head quietly laying my head against his shoulder. "Let it out" he whispers leaning his head onto mine. I cry silently on him as he rubs my back. "I love you. I'm so sorry." I remain silent and wrap my arm around him. Jimmy walks in quietly sitting beside me wrapping his arm around my shoulder. I turn my body towards his and collapse as he wraps his arms around me breaking into a sob.

I'm not sure when Chandler left but when I pick my head up he's gone. I look up at Jimmy, he's been crying too. "I'm sorry." I choke out.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." He shakes his head looking up. "We're gonna get through this together. Day by day. You and me." He smiles down at me. "And for the next one we're blessed with."

"Next one? Who said anything about a next one." I laugh. He doesn't answer he just kisses my forehead and looks forward. I lay my head against his chest and just breathe.