Like a Moth to a Flame (girlxgirl)

Chapter six: cant help it

Alicia's POV

ughhh i really hate myself right now. Why can’t I get my hands off of her? I did promise myself never to hurt her but she just can’t be with me. I’m a damaged soul while she is so sweet, so innocent. I might end up ruining her. Anything I touch I always end up ruining it, like Rachel. Thinking about Rachel makes me want to cry. I don’t deserve to be with someone I love. I need to stay away from Sarah as far away as possible. Shit! Why did I have to kiss her and making it more complicated. From the moment I saw her I’ve been spending all my time trying to make her hate me but because of one moment of weakness it'll be all gone to waste! And now I’m really going to end up hurting her, really hurt her. She can’t be with me. She really cant I can never let go of the past and she will never understand. Just thinking about the kiss makes me want to go mad. How can I possibly stay away from her? God help me, I love her too much that I can’t be selfish with her. She doesn’t deserve someone who's lost and broken. I can never be fixed that's why she deserves to be with someone like mike. Just remembering how close they are makes me want to go and bang my head to the wall. the first kissed was a mistake and I realized it the moment I walked out on the cafeteria, when she followed me and seeing her mad makes me want to go mad. Telling me that mike is perfect was a bit too much for me to handle. I wasn’t prepared to be jealous as hell so I end up kissing her once again making it harder for me to stay away. But I have to; I need to stay away from her for her sake. I need to be strong and ignoring her will be the best solution.

"Hey sis! You’re spacing out again. Don’t think too much about the kiss you'll get over it." Jaime said snapping me out my trance. Did he say about the kiss? Oh my god he saw?

"Yep I saw it all, I was about to give her the pretzels that I bought coz I thought she walked away because of it but then I saw you guys. But don’t worry I won’t tell a soul." he said winking at me. ughh how I sometimes hate him. He really never fails to annoy me.

"Whatever. That was just a mistake that will never going to happen again." I said with a shrugged but he look at me with a sadness on his face. I hate it when he looks at me that way. It makes me more miserable.

"I know what you're doing right now ali, it was not your fault so don’t punish yourself, Rachel will----"

"Don’t you ever mention her name again! Just stay away from my business Jaime. I don’t need your advice." I said with a chilling voice looking at him with cold expression on my face. I turned towards the house but before I get to go inside the house I heard him say "You deserve her Ali." with a sad look on his face, I just continue to walk inside the house. I saw my mum looking at me with a question look in her face. She always knew when something’s bothering me when the past was bothering me and that i kept on punishing myself from it. she just can't help me and every time she attempted to help I just become more distant and hostile. So she just looks at me sadly. I sometimes want to reach out to her. To cry it all out but I just can't. I just can't afford to be weak and crumble coz it might kill me. Putting a wall from everyone else was all I can do to make me stronger.

"Hun, be ready in two hours. Okay? The Mischon will be expecting us at eight and we have some special announcement over dinner." she said looking at me solemnly. I just nod my head and went directly to my room. I don’t care about any plans they're making or any announcement for that matter. It’ll probably about the interest of the company making it official that the Mischon will be the part owner of the Sinclair Empire. Sarah’s dad deserve it, he's the one who made the Sinclair the largest company throughout the country. so it’s only logical that they will have half of this empire. As much as i wanted to skip this dinner, i just can’t. I can’t just totally stay away from Sarah. I know I'm such a masochist as much as it hurts me seeing her I just can’t stop being close to her as possible. It’s really hard to be near with someone you love and that you know for a fact that you just can't have her. Ughhhhhhhhh I really need to take a shower and wash it all the worries I’m feeling inside.