Everyone told me this would be hard,
But I don't think they ment this.
When they said it would be painful,
I don't think they ment I would be causing the pain.
Hating this part of myself.
Hating that I cannot change it.
I hate that i am gay.
I am gay.
I cannot change that no matter how much I want to, or try.
I cannot change the way women will make me feel.
I cannot change that men will never do that for me.
I cannot change who i love.
I cannot change that i cannot love him the same.
I cannot change that i love her in a way I feel to be wrong.
I cannot change that i only hate this when it's in myself.
I want to stop crying myself to sleep.
I want to stop craving the physical pain, distracting from the mental.
I want this to stop.
I want to be able to love him the way he does me.
I want to be able to see myself with a man.
I want to feel comfortable with the idea of a husband.
I want to like men in a more than platonic way.
I do not want to be gay.
I do not want to straight though, for women are so amazing.
I am a lesbian.
I do not want to be a lesbian.
At first I thought it was i hated this part of myself because of the way it makes others see me.
I am being to fear that it is more than that.
I hate that i am gay, because that means i can't return his love.
I had a panic attack at the idea of being with a man.
I have been told that is not normal.
I cried when he said he wanted to have sex.
I now know that it happened because I am gay.
I do not enjoy this.
Hating myself.
Hating myself for being gay during pride month.
I have a lesbian flag up in my window.
I have a flag on my keychain.
I wore a shirt to dance with the rainbow flag on it.
It seems I am out to everyone but myself.
It seems everyone but myself has accepted me.
I tried to tell my grandfather, well his grave.
I started crying the minute i said, "i am a lesbian" out loud.
I cry every time i say.
I cry every time i say i am not attracted to men.
I do not enjoy this.
I do not want to be gay, but i am, and i hate it.
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A/N- uh yeah i have hella internalized homophobia. Ik this is short i wanna add but I'm starting to fall asleep and know i won't come back to this so. Happy pride month y'all
YOU ARE READING
The Midnight Rantings Of Someone Lost
PoetrySome of these will be short stories, others letters to both real and fictional people, and really whatever else I see fit to add Also, I put this under poetry bc it was that or random And i'll be changing the cover in the near future
