The Midnight Rantings Of Someone Lost

self hatred

TW
Allusions to SH and
Talk of addiction as a whole
Self hatred

Hating a part of yourself that is such a big part of your life really takes a toll.
I remember at 14, 15, hell even now praying to whatever God may be listening to have me wake up straight.
Have me wake up and be attracted to men.
Sometimes I think this addiction that's plauged me for six years wouldn't be so bad if I were straight.
I know it wouldn't.
So many of my relapses have been because I being a homosexual was setting in.
So many years wasted on something I can't do anything about.
No matter how hard I beg.
No matter how much I pray.
No matter how much I try.
No matter how many guys I try.
Im still gay after all this time.
And I still hate myself for it.
That's what makes it so hard to deal with other people.
If I could I'd be straight, and they don't get that.
They don't get that I hate who I am with all of my being just as much as them.
They dont get that when they say those words and do those things they only make my hatered grow.
If it were up to me I would be attracted to men.
I hate that.
I hate this.
This mess of self hatred.
It's so draining.
No one ever talks about that.
No one ever talks about how much energy goes into it.
Hating yourself for who you love.
Hating yourself for illnesses you never asked for.
Hating yourself for things you can do nothing about.
I hate who I am.
I hate my sexuality.
I hate my mental illnesses.
I hate my physical illnesses.
I hate the stuffed caused by the trauma.
I hate how angry I am.
I hate everything about myself.
And it's eating away at me.
It's fueling my addictions.
Leaving me in a seemingly endless cycle.
There's nothing I can do other than learn to live with these things.
But doing that, learning to accept and not hate these parts of myself seems wrong.
I feel like I'm supposed to hate this illness that causes me so much pain.
I do.
So I guess I'm doing it right.
It just takes so much out of me
And I just want to be done.
Done with the doctors appointments.
Done with the therapists.
Done with the medications.
Done with the relapses.
Done with the self hatred.
But without it I don't know who I am.
I've been like this for more than a third of my life.
This is the only version of me I know.
So I seem to be stuck in a vicious cycle.
A cycle that can end, in two ways, death or healing.
I had planned on it being death.
I didn't plan to make it this far.
Now though I have no idea how this will end.
But it will.
Everything does.
One day I won't hate myself for who I love.
One day I won't hate my body.
One day I won't hate every ounce of my being because it is taking up too much energy.
I want it to be done.
I want to be free.
But the only way I know how to do that is in death.
I do not want that.
Because I do want to heal.
I think.