Self destruction is comforting in its own fucked up way.
It provides familiarity,
The old habits coming back,
The new ones forming,
The people you're letting back in your life,
The people who are new but they're just like the others,
Years of CBT made me painfully self aware,
Fear of becoming my grandfather means no more drinking,
Or at least watching it carefully,
I'm smoking nearly everyday now,
I relapsed after over 60 days,
I vaped again for the first time in over two years,
I left my house with the intention of getting fucked up enough to not deal with my own problems,
These are the only coping mechanism i seem to know,
It hasn't even been 24hrs and I'm craving it again,
Instead of dealing with everything that was said,
I got more fucked up than I have in nearly a year,
My support system is dewindling,
We're all moving on with our lives,
But I keep setting boundaries that bite me in the ass
Boundaries that somehow end support systems,
I'm usually aware of every choice I make,
I wanted to get fucked up,
But not that fucked up,
It's been nearly a year since I did that,
The effects of unhealthy coping mechanisms visual on my body,
I made choices I wouldn't of while sober,
Choices that leave me craving things the next day,
Choices that might cause another addiction,
Choices that I regret because I don't have it in me to fight,
I dont want to have to choose what to relapse on,
I'm tired,
That's why I'm doing these things,
That's how I got to all these shitty coping mechanisms,
I just want a break,
But every time I start doing better i go back to self destruction,
The comfort of all of it,
The people,
The substances,
The late nights,
The wasted money,
The doing things that could kill me,
The slowing breaking my body,
All of it,
Because in reality I don't really care how far I make it,
The comfort of the unhealthy habits is very far more worth it.
I didn't even make it three days without it,
I made it over two years last time,
But far too much in far too little time,
Less will power and care for my health,
Spite motivating me in a new way,
Falling farther into stereo types,
Patterns repeating,
Each time they're worse,
Knowingly making bad choices,
Not caring about the long term affects,
I never planned on making it this long,
I don't know if I'll make it past 40 with how I treat my body,
Being lectured by people around me who care, or at least pretend to,
One who has no right to speak on addiction and relapsing,
I don't know if that makes what he's telling me better or worse,
I'm self destructing again,
I do this regularly but this time feels different,
More substances involved,
I know what I'm doing,
But the comfort of the unhealthy habits feel better than the comforts of those around me,
I know what I'm doing,
I hate myself for it,
But I'm at a point of not caring,
Doing whatever I need to get me through the day,
Through the shift without losing my shit,
I'll burn out again,
Go through this whole cycle again,
And self sabotage all over again
~~~~~
I'm calling this my self destructive era, it's how I'm coping
YOU ARE READING
The Midnight Rantings Of Someone Lost
PoetrySome of these will be short stories, others letters to both real and fictional people, and really whatever else I see fit to add Also, I put this under poetry bc it was that or random And i'll be changing the cover in the near future
