The Midnight Rantings Of Someone Lost

I Can't Hate You

The worst part about this is I don't think I can ever bring myself to truly hate you.

For all of the anger I hold towards you, I was still scared when you landed in the hospital, the idea of losing you overwhelming.

I heard what you said about mine and my mothers people, I told myself that day that you were dead to me, but only four months later I was on a flight with my dad to see you in the hospital. I never went to see you while you were there but that had nothing to do with my feelings towards you, but rather the state you were in.

I hate that you were the one that got to live.

I hate that the three (of the four) that died are the ones that would've loved me after coming out, the ones that are part of the very same group that you seem to now hate.

I hate that no matter what I do I don't think I can ever hate you.

I should though, I should hate you.

I should hate you for what you have done to my dad, aunt, cousin, mom, and me, but I can't, I can't hate you because you're the only one I have left.

My cousin and I joke about the knowledge that my coming out could kill you, and that the family would have an easier time, but I think we both know I never will, I've lost too many people in too little time.

As much as what you have done to me hurts the fact I cannot bring myself to hate you hurts so much more than anything you could ever do.

I want to hate you.

I want to be able to truly disown you.

But I can't you're the only one left, and the only connection to a family I will never know, even if each story of them changes every time you tell it.

I hate that out of the four of you that made it to adulthood, you turned out the best, which is why I don't think I will ever know my cousins, most don't even know I exist.

I hate that you are our only connection we have to our heritage and family history because the one cousin we do know won't speak to us.

I hate how much we need you.

I hate how dependent I am on some of the things only you can provide me.

I hate how you seem to be the only thing we can all agree on.

I hate that you are the common enemy in your own family.

I hate that none of us can seem to let go of you.

I hate that you have managed to hurt everyone who is brought into this family by someone else, burdening them with who you are.

I hate that no matter what you are, the one that lived, the one that won't ever love the real me.

My biggest regret is not telling my grandparents I'm gay before they died, but I can never do that with you, for that may be the very thing that kills you.

I hate that the ones who would've accepted me will never get to see me happy, and even if you are alive for it you will never get to see it.

I hate that the one who got to live has traumatized us all.

I hate so much of what you have done to me and everyone else, but I can't seem to hate you.

You have hurt me so much, and the fact it came from you is what made it hurt so much more, but you will never understand that, even after my dad yelled at you for it.

I want to hate you.

I want to disown you.

I can't though, and I don't know the exact reasoning but I hate that more than anything else.

You have put us all through hell, but the fact I cannot hate you hurts the most.

My inability to rid you from my life hurts more than anything you could ever do to me.