The Midnight Rantings Of Someone Lost

getting better

It's 10pm and I'm high as a kite,
Im staring at the job application,
Debating if I should even bother,
I can't pass a drug test to save my life,
And I don't know if working more is really what I need,
I find myself craving intoxication more,
Craving nicotine more,
Craving something to give me a release,
My thighs itcher than ever,
Trying my best to ignore it,
I'm sleeping more,
Eating less,
I thought I was doing better,
Working with a constant reminder of the bad times isn't helping,
I crave mania,
That can't be a good sign,
I know how to trigger an episode, and I'm not above it,
I keep telling myself I'm doing better,
But I drank 4 monsters today and I feel fine,
Ive been going numb,
I'm consciously starving myself,
But at least when I throw up now it's not on purpose
Usally.
I keep telling myself I'm doing better because if I keep doing that maybe I will be,
I'm missing months of my life,
September was a manic burl,
January a foggy haze of depression,
And I fear of how I'll remember this month,
I hadn't seen her since September,
Everything came rushing back,
I don't know if I can do it,
It's not fair for her though,
It's my shit,
It's no one else's problem,
But I don't know how long I can go with a constant reminder of it,
The manic episodes every other week,
The sleeping 24 hours after each,
The relapsing during a shift,
The staying out til' 3 am,
The after work smoke sesh we all needed just to put up with everything,
I'm scared for his party,
I want to go,
I want to be with him,
Celebrate him not killing himself in our jobs' parking lot,
Celebrate him not drinking himself to death,
Celebrate his (slightly) improved relationship with alcohol,
But I fear my own self control,
How I'll be in that situation,
I know I'll be with people I trust,
But I don't trust myself,
I don't know if I should tell him,
I know he'd understand,
But i don't know how much it would help,
Do I tell him,
Tell him I'm far more like him that he thought,
Tell him the biggest difference is I'm trying stop the alcoholism before it even starts,
Tell him the only reason I can even do that is because I recognize certain patterns in myself,
Tell him just how bad I was when he hired me,
Tell him just how bad I was when we met,
Tell him that even though I'm doing better,
Better still isn't enough,
Tell him that I felt safer with him than my own family,
Tell him that I don't know how much longer I can go before I become him
I'm getting better though, so I won't become him,
Right?
I need to keep getting better,
I have to keep getting better,
I sent in the application,
Maybe not being around her will help,
But I should know myself by now,
These habits,
These triggers,
They're everywhere,
I need to learn to live with them,
To stop running,
To finally let myself be me,
But I have no idea who that is,
I don't know who I am without the addictions,
The self destruction,
The substance abuse,
The running from my emotions,
The illness,
I need to be getting better though,
Even if I know I'm lying to myself when I say that

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AN
I finished this a while ago but I just didn't have a name for it, and honestly I dont like this title but whatever