Over the past five days I have worked 43 hours,
And in roughly seven hours I clock in for another eight hour shift.
I am so tired.
Emotionally, mentally, physically, all of it.
The funny thing though?
It has nothing to do with me working myself to death at the age of 18.
No rather the doctors appointments, the therapists, the new therapies, the tests, the meds,
The not sleeping for 48 hours then sleeping 14,
Being up til' 3am throwing up,
Not being able to see straight while working,
Being afraid to eat because you might throw up, but it's been over 24 hours, you've worked 2 shifts, barely slept, and smoked,
But the illness won't let me keep anything down,
So i live off energy drinks,
Not sure what's gonna kill me first,
The shit I put in my body, the illnesses, or the working myself to death
Realistically it'll be all of it
The shit I put in my body is to cope with the job, the job is to pay for the illnesses, and just to feel alive costs money at this point
I'm so tired of this
I just want to be like the other kids my age
I don't want to be working 40 plus hours a week in a kitchen, as a line cook
A position im fitting the stereo type of more and more everyday
I hate that
But it's the illnesses causing it,
The fueled the unhealthy coping mechanisms, and this industry is filled with it
The last time I went out with kids my age I felt out of place, I didn't relate to them,
They spent their Friday nights in the woods getting drunk and smoking
I spend mine in front of a 350° fryer while downing caffeine in hopes I make it through the shift without a burn
I spend mine with my 29 year old boss who is a full time dad with two kids and a record
I spend my days off with my other coworkers, all 20+
I'm the baby of the group and I'm okay with it,
Just once though I'd like to fit in with my own age group though,
Relate to their problems,
Have their problems,
Yeah I don't miss having to write papers, but I miss the way my hands looked six months ago.
I want to be a kid, I never got to do that
I'm tired of being so sick I didnt get to be a kid
I'd run out mid show to throw up,
I'd be popping pills like their mints come my period just to get through the school day,
Id pray Id have the strength to get up and go to school,
My classmates were focusing on their social lives and academics,
I didn't have time for that,
My energy went to making sure I made it through the day with whatever food I could keep down
Im tired of it
I want to go back to 15 year old me and tell them never to go on the pill,
But I know that would've been worse,
I had surgery nearly a year ago and I'm getting bad already,
I was doing so well too,
I'm too tired to do this again,
The nights next to the toilets,
The running out mid shift to throw up,
The not being able to see the timer I'm setting because of my migraine,
I want to be done,
I want to see what happens if the illnesses win,
Let my body do what it wants, expelling everything I eat,
Build up cysts,
Fuck up my hormones more,
Possibly give me cancer,
Fuck everything up more than it has,
Because I'm done,
I'm done fighting,
I'm done with squeezing doctors appointments before work, praying my schedule doesn't change,
I'm done getting X-rays, blood and urine tests done,
I'm done keeping track of the at least half dozen pills I'm on
Because it's so many I've lost track
I'm 18 this wasn't supposed to happen for another 50+ years,
I think the illnesses have already won though,
Because I'm tired and I want to give up, and they control my life,
I am so tired of this constant fight that is staying functional
YOU ARE READING
The Midnight Rantings Of Someone Lost
PoetrySome of these will be short stories, others letters to both real and fictional people, and really whatever else I see fit to add Also, I put this under poetry bc it was that or random And i'll be changing the cover in the near future
