Inevitable Withdrawal - cash au-

Who Am I, Comparatively

When I wake up the next morning I have a text from Nash. My heart beats faster and my palms are sweat as I unlock my phone and look down at the messages

8:32am Nash💕- 5pm 2301.

That's all he says. I can't believe it, after weeks of blanking me,that's all he has to say? It's bullshit and it just pisses me off. It's for the better that we're not together anymore, it was never going to work out anyway. I pull the covers over my head again and my eyes start to sting, I thought I was done with crying over him but I guess not. I want him, I want to meet him there so much. I want his touch, his affection and attention so much. But I want his love even more and that's something that's never going to happen.

I contemplate texting Nash and letting him know I won't be there but then I remember how he completely ignored my texts to him all those weeks ago when we first broke up. I bury my head into my pillow and force myself to fall asleep. It's the only relief I get from the pain in my heart.

When I wake up it's the early evening, 6pm. It's crazy how my hear beats faster just from thinking about him. He's probably left the hotel already, I doubt he would wait longer than 15 minutes for me,he's not a patient man. I get nervous as I pick up my phone, I know he probably didn't contact me again but I can't help but hope that he did. My heart skips when I see I have several texts from Nash. I lick my lips as I unlock my phone to see what Nash wrote to me.

He's probably angry that I ignored him.

5:15pm Nash💕-Where are you?
5:23pm Nash💕- Cameron, don't be like this. Come to the hotel room, let's talk about this in person.
5:46pm Nash💕- baby, please let me explain. Let me apologize.

My heart contracts when I read his messages. I want to go so badly, but I can't. I can't go through heartbreak again when he decides he tired of me. I stand up from bed finally and head to the bathroom. But the pain in my heart won't go away and the messages only make it worse. I can go back to him, I can go back to how we were, fuck buddies. But I don't want that, I want it all with him. I want us the way we were the weekend we were away. I want his loving, tender side as much as I want his rough, demanding side.

How can I go back when I know how much better it can be? How much happier we can be? I can't do it, I can't do that to myself. I have to move on. Even if that means taking in my 2 weeks notice on Monday and then scrambling like hell to find a new job. I can't continue to work with him, to see him everyday, I'll never heal.

I stand underneath the hot spray and my tears mix in with the water. I can't believe I'm still crying over him. But I've finally come to the realization that we're truly over. I'm giving up on us and it's breaking me apart inside, but I have to do it. I have to do it for myself.

When I get out of the shower I crinkle my noise at the mess in my small apartment. I've been so depressed that I don't care about anything. I start cleaning up the mess in my apartment and by the time I'm finished it's close to 9pm. I glance at my phone and notice I have a message from Nash. I should delete it without looking at it but I can't bring myself to donut. Why am I still so fucking weak over him?

8:47pm Nash💕- I'm staying the night baby, please come. I miss you so much.

"Fuck," I mutter to myself. I'm so close to giving in and going to see him. Maybe he wants it all with me too, maybe he wants a real relationship with me. I sit down on the edge of my bed and stare down at my phone. I want to go now, he's still there, he's spending the night just to wait for me.

But then I start to think about everything. He's a Senator, from North Carolina. He's married. He's a Republican. There's no way he wants a relationship with me, I'll always be his side piece no matter what. I'll never have all of him. We'll continue to meet secretly every Friday and I'll only have 5 hours with him at most. And I don't want that, I want all of him not just part of him. I think about how he used Lea to send a message I had already received, he was just twisting the knife deeper into my heart.