I Can't Even [Reader X Reader X Reader]

Toilet Humor is Superior

I curled my fingers around the doorknob, which was strangely warm, and stood facing the door for a second before opening. 

"Hey. You're Bro, right?" a clone wearing a sexy red dress and a blonde wig was posing sexily on top of a pile of meat and guts. The pile moved to the rhythm of a beating heart.

"Wha- Who are you??" my back hit the door, which Josef had taken the liberty of closing.

The clone giggled as she slid off the pile and rolled onto the floor. She managed to somehow do that seductively. "My friends call me Bud, but you can call me yours," she winked and she struggled to stand up in heels that were clearly too high for her.

I was speechless. Really, nothing could've prepared me for this.

"I... I'll just, like, call you Bud then, if that's okay?"

"Of course, love," she winked again while striking a seductive pose. It looked like a difficult pose to hold.

"So uhm... why am I here?"

The clone got tired of holding the pose and sat back down. "I'm sorry I had to have you kidnapped, but you were in the way. I didn't want you getting hurt."

"What do you mean?"

"Love, I'm building a giant monster to retrieve [Y/N], and it will stop at nothing to get her," she slapped the meaty pile lovingly and wriggled beneath her. "It's unfortunate enough that one clone has already died, but I'd like to save as many as I can."

"Oh, okay," I thought back to Bro getting hit in the head with a gun. Last I saw her she was super dead. I looked around me in search of any possible weapon, thinking maybe I could knock her out with a soap dispenser or something. Instead, I noticed little lines climbing from the pile and up the walls. "Wait, what about [Y/N]'s friends?"

Bud giggled. "I don't care if they die. They're filthy humans. They belong in the ground."

"Ah, I see," I averted my eyes. It seemed that she was a clone of the human-hating variety. Looking closer at the lines on the walls, it dawned on me that they weren't just weird cracks. Neither were they water. They were fine veins climbing the walls, seemingly pumping blood into the walls which seemed to be getting bumpier.

"Enough about the others, you should be asking what I plan to do with you," she posed seductively yet again. "You'll stay with me until the monster is finished, then I take you to Yo Mama."

I tilted my head. "Yo mama?"

"Yes, the Yo Mama."

"Is this a joke?"

"You bet it's not. So exciting, right? It's not everyday you get to meet a perfect being," she smiled (non-seductively).

"Just to be sure... that's like, the nickname of a clone, right? Because I'm pretty sure you know none of us have mothers." 

She stared at me with a blank expression. "Love, have you been living under a rock?"

"Metaphorically, yes. So like, who is she?"

Bud swooned. "She's the most perfect clone you'll ever meet! She's strong and powerful, pretty, smart, charismatic, friendly, generous, forgiving... I could go on!"

"Okay," I said.

"Wait," she pulled out her phone. "I'll show you a picture."

She showed me the lock screen off her phone. This 'Yo Mama' looked just like your average clone, except wearing a grey dress suit and nice makeup. "Isn't she beautiful?" Bud asked. I nodded.

"Is she famous or something?"

"Uh, duh! How could she not be? She's so perfect!"

"But like, what's she famous for?"

"You'll understand when you meet her, love," Bud winked.

The lump on the floor behind her had grown about four times its size. She noticed my fear and followed my line of vision.

"Oh, right. We should start waiting outside now. The bigger it gets, the faster it grows," she walked ahead of me and whispered something into Josef's ear. He nodded and looked at me. Reluctantly, I stepped out of the room and realized just how heavy the air had been in there. I completely forgot about the smell, too. Gross.