I Can't Even [Reader X Reader X Reader]

DUDE'S TRAGIC PAST??? (NOT CLICKBAIT)

They took the body into the living room where Leslie sat with a thick and ancient-looking book.

"What took you so long?" Leslie's gaze locked onto the body. Blood was leaking out of its head, staining the carpet. "Oh. That's convenient. We could use some blood for our next spell. Do you know if this person was a virgin or not?"

"How should I know? Why does it even matter?"

"I'm just kidding. Virgin blood is kind of a meme in the sacrificial community," Rosa closed the book and grabbed an empty vial from the table. "Put her down, before more blood goes to waste."

You dropped the body, rather ungently, onto the carpet.

"I think there's some gasoline in the garage. Don't go anywhere," Rosa left the room. You dropped the gun on the sofa and flumped down next to it.

"So..." Leslie poked Dude's body. "Why's this one dead and not the one next to you?"

"Oh, this is Bro. She's cool, but the dead one not so much. She attacked us, so I threw the gun at her."

"Damn, so it's like an evil version of yourself?"

You shrugged. "Yeah, pretty much." 

"Where'd they come from?"

"I don't know. Bro?" you looked over to Bro who was playing with her fingers and clearly not listening. "Bro?" you snapped your fingers, catching her attention.

"Sorry, what'd you say?" Bro asked.

"Where did you two come from?" 

"Oh, it's complicated," she said.

"That's fine. We're not stupid," you patted the spot next to you on the sofa.

"Yeah we are," Leslie chipped in.

"No, shh, we're not."

"Actually, like, I need to use the restroom right now. I'll tell you later, okay?" said Bro.

"It's up the stairs and to the left," you said.

"Thanks" Bro scurried up the stairs.

"You know, I could bring your evil twin to life and get some answers out of her," Rosa put away the full vial and reopened the old spellbook, turning its paged rapidly.

"I don't know. She can teleport, so it'd be pretty easy for her to escape. But sure, whatever," you shrugged. After all, you'd killed her once and you'd do it again.

"Alright, the spell just needs half a vial of blood, which we have, and one soul, which we have.

"Woah, slow down. I don't want you to give up your soul for this," you grabbed her hand.

"Relax, I have like six extra souls," she smacked your hand away and grabbed a paintbrush. With excellent precision, she circled Dude's body with little symbols and lines. She took your hand in hers as she reached into her mouth with the other. A small, wet, shivering, purple soul is what she tugged out. She pressed it against Dude's bloody forehead as she hummed an unnerving tune.

Dude's body began twitching as Leslie hummed louder and louder. As she abruptly stopped, Dude sprung up and took a deep breath.

"What the hell?!" Dude patted down on her body. She looked at you wide-eyed. "How did I die??"

"Oh, you, uhm...  got hit in the head. By an asteroid. It fell from the sky," you scratched your ear.

She sighed. "Just my luck. And in my introductory scene," she shook her head. "But thanks for bringing me back, you filthy peasant," she smiled at you. It looked more genuine than something you'd expect from her. Although her eyes looked very dead, they had a warmth to them that you hadn't had the time to notice.

"Right," Rosa clapped her hands. "Before your pain circuits turn on again, please tell us where you and the other clone came from."

Dude blinked. "Pain circuits?"

Rosa appeared in the doorway, a big plastic fuel container in hand. She and Dude stared at each other in awkward silence before Rosa groaned.

"Do you know how long it took me to find this?" she raised the heavy container. "Because I know it took me at least three minutes."

"Sorry, we just wanted to ask her a few questions," you said.

"Okay, so then are we going to burn it or not?" she crossed her arms.

"What were you going to burn?" Dude asked.

"... never mind that," you said.

Rosa left the gasoline by the door and sat down with a pouty face.

"Tell us where you came from," said Leslie.

"Well, I just came back from the dead," said Dude. "It's kind of hard to describe the other side with the limitations of this language, but I think I'd describe it as-"

"We don't care about the afterlife! Tell us how you came to exist," Leslie slammed her hands to the floor.

"Oh, okay. I come from- AAAH!!!" she grabbed her head, squinting her eyes closed.

Rosa sighed. "Great. She can feel pain again."

"Great, we get to watch it suffer!" Rosa smiled.

"Where do you keep pain killers?" you levitated out of your sitting position. 

"Calm down, I was only joking. I'll go get them," she grumbled, slowly making her way out of the room again. All the while Dude was groaning in pain.

"Shh, shh..." you held her close to you as you stroked her back. She wrapped her own arms around your waist, squeezing you as she wept into your shoulder. "There there," you said.

"As you can clearly see, I'm back," Rosa threw a small box of pills at you which you caught with your mind. You shook out two pills to put it in her mouth, but they vanished before your eyes.

"Huh?" you stared at your palm, then the pill bottle, then took out another pill. That one disappeared as well.

"Rosa, is this supposed to be a prank?" you frowned at her.

"What did I do?" Rosa furrowed her brow.

"Give me pills that don't disappear."

"What??"

"There isn't anything wrong with the pills," Dude had regained her composure. "In fact, these pills worked really quickly. Are they infused with magic?"

Dude noticed your stupid expression.

"I teleported them to my stomach," she explained.

"Oh," you said. Then Dude suddenly fainted.