The Things We Cannot Say

.9.

My Uncle and Aunt arrive in the middle of the afternoon, my Uncle all smiles and aunt telling her daughters to behave as they run of to play. My aunt starts to help with the cooking, cutting up the vegetables. Uncle sits down and chats about absurd prices of meat, rice, fruits, buns. New Year foodstuffs and the shopkeepers who are earning big piles of money at this time of the year.

" You know that old man Baek? He is the second brother-in-law of my wife's sister-in-law. We are technically related right? And he charged me the same New Year's price for the meat like I am nobody, no discount. I thought he was more kin than that, but obviously business is business. Money is everything for that selfish bastard. I bet he would even ask his son for the rental money when he becomes a big man." He throws up his hands and shakes his head.

"You know that family is so stingy, why do you buy from them?" My aunt says and turns to my mother and grandmother.

"Never listens to what I tell him. The other day, In Yeop, the boy two houses in front, came to talk to him. He wants to start a little shop and sell dry goods, rice, dried dates, nuts, such things and is looking for a partner. I told my husband, I said, go ahead and set up a business with the guy. Both of you can earn good money. You can split the money and take a good amount."

Mother nods, furtively listening to her. Never in my life has she listened to me like that. Forget listening, she never even lets me talk.

" You know what he said? He said it was so much pressure and he couldn't do it. What use is he for then? Just to laze around like a dying donkey while I do all the work? We have three daughters to raise up, and that man wants to live off selling fat pigs like himself."

" If I am a fat pig, so be it. I can go out in the snow, with a shirt and not get cold. You need to wear all the clothes that Old woman Shi sells to protect you. Then again, you'll still be cold because you are so skinny."

"How dare you!? Remember, you did not choose me, I chose you. Nobody wanted to marry you because you were fat. I felt sorry for you and decided to marry you. This is how you talk to me?"

"Yes."

"THE NERVE YOU HAVE TO-"

"My husband," mother says, trying to change the topic," he is too honest. He is not interested in making money at all. He is a really soft person, very calm, like the sea in the morning. Guys like him can get cheated on easily, honestly."

"Honest men are good. No bad things will happen to them and your family because he has no guilt,no retribution. Good fortune will come along. Gods have eyes." My aunt says.

"At least I know he won't hide somewhere else with another girl and come back in the morning like nothing happened." Mother shrugs.

I pick on my rice and put a bit in my mouth and chewing slowly, trying to enjoy every bit of it.

Soon everyone is sitting around the table, crowded at the elbows and the dinner begins. I breathe in the scent of white rice until it fills my whole body.

My uncle beside me pokes me in the arm, " Don't inhale any up your nose!"

I grin and start eating.

My uncle does not stop.

"You always did like the smell of rice. Even as a baby, you like the smell of rice water but that's good, that's good. Eat more and you'll grow even better. I always thought that you were a good boy, will grow up strong."

"Huh? What is that smell? I smell lies. I was the one who said that. You only walked back and forth saying, what do we do, what do we do."

Everyone laughs. I try to concentrate on eating, wondering what Jungkook would be doing right now. Would he be eating? Sleeping? I hear voices in my head and everyone of them says that-

Jungkook needs help.
Jungkook is crying.
Jungkook needs me.
Jungkook is hurt.
Jungkook is calling out for me.

I quickly stand up stare at the main door, ready to run off into the darkness to find Jungkook.

Everyone stops talking and stares at me, confused. Baekyun hyung pull me back down to sit and kicks me under the table with his leg.

" What do you think you are doing?" He whispers to me, then smiling at the others, telling them to continue their talking.

I frown at my older brother and whisper back to him.

"Jungkook...Jungkook needs me, I need to go."

Baekhyun hyung turns to look at me and raises his eyebrows. He then turns towards the elders and excuses us from the table for some time.

At least he knows that if I did it, I'll probably get in trouble.

We both walk into his room and he shuts the door behind him.

"Okay now tell me. Who is Jungkook?"

"My friend..."

"And he needs you now?"

"I think so."

"Precisely. How do you know he needs you?"

"My gut feeling."

"Are you kidding me? You cannot always trust your gut feeling. Who even is he anyways? I've never heard of him."

" He is my best friend, hyung. He can be quite shy, you won't be able to see him easily. He normally hides away from people."

"That sounds like a ghost to me. Are you sure you don't have a ghost friend?"

" Of course not! He is real! I can see him, he can see me. I can touch him, he can touch me! That proves it."

" That sounds wrong."

I narrow my eyes and push him onto the bed.

"It is just the way you think. I don't think he needs help anymore so I am going back to eat."

I press my lips together tightly and leave the room, sitting back on the floor.

Baekhyun hyung sits down beside me shortly and nudges me.

" You are crazy, you know that?" He leans towards me and whispers.

"Yes. I'm crazy for myself." I reply and smile at him, who looks away, smiling to himself. I shrug and glance out of the window into the darkness, hoping that a certain boy will appear.