The Things We Cannot Say

.17.

After tumbling around in the hay for a bit, I reminded Jungkook that I had to lead my cow, Dolsae, out to pasture.

He volunteers to come along. I grin and nod my head.

Nobody notices me. People are too busy talking about the poor family that lost their child.

Would people have talked about me like that too? Maybe my mother and I were together, but she was forced to leave me there because of the tigers? Whay if they were actually dogs? Would the people of her village look down at her as a child murderer? Does she know I am still alive? Is she even alive?

As Jungkook, Dolsae and I get nearer to the vegetable field, my chest tightens. I look for signs in the soil. If the tigers were real, if they came to look for me yesterday, there would be footprints.

Are they even real? The ground is dry; wind has covered the tracks,that artful wind, playing with my mind. I look at the mountains. Inside me, there is a big shout; a loud scream; a loud cry; but it stays unborn.

I collapse onto the floor; Jungkook immediately rushing to me, and asking me if I was okay. I wanted to answer him so bad, but something prevented me from doing so. I grab soil from the betraying ground and feel it grinding into my fingers and palm.

Why did you come? Why don't you stay dim, buried in my memories, story-creatures in the misty world of a dream that happened ages ago, that brought me into this world that I never asked to be in?

This dream filled with so many stories, full of them, but always with missing parts. I never understood them, am I supposed to search for them?

How can I, if the wind washes away everything and leaves no answers? How can you give me hope, and then kill it immediately? Why make me dream about soft hands and beautiful names for myself? Why give me a guardian like friend and open the gates to trespass? And why,why did the tigers come if not to take me away?

Is it because of the Tiger Lily? Who even left it there for me in the first place?

The tigers know me. They appear straight from my dream, as I have always seen them, known them to be, my shadow guardians. My spirit animals. Then why would they leave me wanting and give me false hope?

Dolsae almost yanks off my arms trying to wake me up from my thoughts. Jungkook shakes me, begging me to wake up. Why was my head rested on his shoulders? Did I faint or something? My eyes shoot open and I look around, trying to gather my thoughts.

Jungkook wipes my tears and hugs me tightly.

"Hyung...You just collapsed all of a sudden and I thought something was really wrong and-"

I gulp and hug him back.

"I'm sorry Kookie, I'm sorry... for everything."

ಥ_ಥ

In the afternoon, Jungkook and I walk together with a pile of dirty clothes in a pail to wash in the stream. I was the one carrying it, because Jungkook was tired from looking for me all night. He had already ran to the stream ahead of me.

There is enough water in the earthen jugs at the back of the house for the clothes, but I want to use colder water, something so cold that it can numb my fingers, my legs and eventually me.

And I want running water that never stops, so I can use it as much as I want. Because that is the way I can be sure that all the clothes are clean.

I reach the stream and set up my area for washing the clothes. Jungkook was sitting on the rock next to where I was, his feet already submerged in water. Jungkook had always been the type of person who enjoyed the smallest things in life. He loved nature and admiring them made up almost half of his day. I observe Jungkook staring at the forest, beyond the forest the mountains, beyond the mountains the sky.