The Things We Cannot Say

.4.

Busan is a lucky village. Daegu and Ulsan lie in the southern land of Korea with not many mountains surrounding them and no seas around them. Busan sits on and at the foot of mountains. The Tiger Paw mountain protects our village from harsh winds and storms. Beyond the village is the wide sea, with its own misty mountains.

" The sea is our lives, the mountain our backs." My grandmother says. With the New Year coming, she keeps repeating herself to remind us how lucky we are.

Seokjin hyung, who lives opposite me, wants to play some games before we start to order the girls around to do the chores (and help out) for the New Year , so he gathers most of the children at the open ground near Jimin's house to play catch.

When we are both out and waiting for the next game, Jin hyung nudges me and says," Let's compare heights, see how much everyone has grown."

I frown at him, but before I could say anything, he calls everyone together. Jin hyung likes to compare heights because everyone in his family is tall.

The only person he doesn't compare heights with is Ji-hoon hyung, Jimin's elder brother, who is the oldest boy in the village, at eighteen, older than any of us. I am not too enthusiastic about the crazy 'games' he wants to play.

Jin hyung had a game once, where everybody had to guess the meaning of someone else's name. Baekhyun hyung was the easiest, meaning 'wise and virtuous'. Someone said 'brave'. That's not too bad. When it came to me, nobody had trouble guessing what my name meant, because it is a tag, like a sign in the market that says " For Sale," not a real name. So I don't like Jin hyung's suggestions much. This time, when he compares heights with me, he says, "It is very interesting to compare heights with you."

I scowl. He's taller than me by half a hand.

"Why?"

"Because, " he turns around and grins," we never really know how tall you'd grow. There isn't anyone in your real family to compare you to, you see. Like me, I'll be at least as tall as my mother."

Kai, one of the youngest and noisiest, stares at me and asks, "You don't even know when you were born. Does that mean you'll never grow up?"

"AHAHAHAHA," Jaehyun laughs." That's right!"

I scowl more. " I was born sometime around the New Year! I know that! So of course I grow up!"

"Of course," someone says. Jimin is smiling, leaning against the wall of his house." We get older every time new year comes, no matter when our birthdays."

Jaehyun shrugs. I smile triumphantly at him and glance at Jimin shyly. He is still smiling, with his eyes, and I smile back with mine.

Secretly, with the help of Jimin, though he doesn't know, I am born. New Year's day becomes my permanent marking point, an auspicious date to make up for my guessing. What can be better, such a significant date?

Only older people get special things to eat on their birthdays. They have white noodles with an egg, noodles that stretch from their mouths to the ground if they'll let them, blessing long life.

For me, for the New Year, the celebration starts the day before, on the Eve, at the end of the old, welcoming the beginning of the new. Every family member comes to the reunion dinner on New year's eve. I get to eat nice-smelling white rice, instead of the old sweet potato porridge with bits of soggy rice and there is also pork and vegetables, not the salted kind, but fresh fried ones. And more! Maybe, on New year's day, I'll get some new clothes and set off firecrackers.

The week before New Year, my mother, grandmother and I wash everything in the house, all the bowls, pots, spoons, nice, pills, oven jacks, and what I hate most, the ugly square wooden things in the corner of the bedrooms.