Surviving

Five

WARNING. THERE IS SELF HARM IN THIS CHAPTER. I DO NOT ENCOURAGE IT BUT I INCLUDED IT TO MAKE THE POINT THAT LIZZIE IS FUCKING INSANE. SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS HAVE CUT, AND I SEE HOW IT AFFECTS THEM, SO PLEASE. DONT CUT. I LOVE YOU, STAY STRONG.

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It was only 2 weeks ago that Lizzie and I had the little talk about Carl. Patrick and I had grown closer than ever, Carl and I haven't spoken since. Patrick says that he thinks I hate him, which I don't. Patrick is still mourning Jane, and I am to, with the help of music. I wear the Superman shirt a lot now, mostly because it's long sleeve. Oh I forgot one tiny detail, I've started to cut. Patrick doesn't know, nobody does. He thinks I'm just cold, mostly because that's what I tell him, but he doesn't believe me. I can tell by the way he looks at me. I don't eat that much now either. My dads worry about me, and so does Patrick, He says Carl does to. The rest of the group thinks I'm doing this for attention. Rick is under the impression that I am just going through an "Emo faze" and that it's going to pass. Meanwhile I'm miserable as fuck, and Lizzie is kissing Carl every time I walk by. All I do now is sit on my cot and cry. Patrick has walked in on me a few times, he wraps his arms around me and rubs my back, telling my things will get better. Or I'm outside in the woods, killing walkers with so much rage it scares Patrick, who refuses to leave me by myself. We've become mourning buddies. He's awesome. Awesomer than I ever was.

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This morning I woke up, crying. Patrick was shaking me awake, and Carl was looking nervously at me. I woke up and saw both of them standing there. When my eyes met Carl's I started crying harder than I already was. " Rose? Are you okay?" Carl asked me. He sounded like he was on the verge of tears himself. I looked at Patrick, and he picked up my hand for me to squeeze it. I did. I did so hard. He winced when he realized how much I was holding back. " Rose? Answer me. Please." Carl was begging, his eyes now brimmed with tears. I couldn't handle seeing him like that, so I stood up and ran outside my cell and into the bathrooms. Crying harder than I had in years.

I heard footsteps and was relieved to see Patrick. He walked over to me and handed me cloths. "Here. You should put these on. I don't think you wanna go around the prison in your pjs." The boy said, his hand out stretched with my cloths. "Thanks Patrick." I said with a weak smile. I didn't bother waiting for him to leave, so I just took of my pajama shirt and put on my new shirt, thankful I had slept with my bra and tank top on. Patrick wasn't fazed, this was normal, until he saw my scars.

His smile faded as I saw him looking at my arm, my long sleeve was caught. Fuck me. "Rose?" He said weakly. I pulled down my long sleeve. "Yeah?" I said while looking down. Patrick grabbed my arm, lifting the sleeve again. "Why. Why would you hurt yourself, Rose?" Patrick looked me dead in the eyes, even though his were brimming with tears. I looked at him. "Patrick. I'm sorry. I just. I wanted to see if it would help, and it kinda did." Tears rolled down his cheeks. "Rose. Please don't tell me what knife you're using." "You already know, don't you" "I think I do. But you're beating yourself up over it. It hurts me to see you like this. It hurts Carl that you never talk to him, not to mention you're using the knife he gave you to cut yourself." I looked down. "Patrick. It's not like I want to. Lizzie threatened to kill me if I talked to him. You know how I feel about Carl anyways." I said, still looking down. "Are you sure rose? Because you can barely look at him without running." Patrick's voice was soft, but it pushed me over the edge. "YOU THINK I WANT TO TUNE HIM OUT? ITS SO HARD YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH IT HURTS !! I'M FUCKING IN LOVE WITH HIM!!" I screamed at Patrick, tears falling down my face. I wasn't looking down anymore. I was staring patrick down, shaking with anger and sadness. Patrick opened his mouth to speak, but I walked past him, heading for the door, well the door frame anyway. I walked out to see none other than Carl.

He stood there, eyes wide, and tears streaked his cheeks. "You were listening??" I asked quietly. He nodded slowly. I shook my head in frustration, then I ran to my cell. I closed the curtain and climbed into my cot, crying into my hands.

My thoughts wandered to Lizzie. How her dad died trying to be helpful, but just getting in the way. I remembered her dad got bit. Mika had to hold her. Mika, the little sister, had to fucking hold her. I remember Mika telling Lizzie to look at the flowers. 'Look at the flowers Lizzie.' Ha. I want that bitch to look at the flower as she stabs the shit out of her.

Holy shit. What's wrong with me.

I stopped crying. Why the fuck should I? Lizzie can have Carl. Patrick fucking knew Carl was listening, and he didn't tell me shit. I got up from my cot and saw Carl and patrick, both standing in the entrance of the cell. I looked at both of them. "Oh so now you fucking show up. It's cool. Carl, tell Lizzie I said hey, and both of you," I looked at them, and used one hand to grab each of their shirts " Don't fucking talk to me" I growled, then stormed out of the cell block.