Unanchored (H.S.)

Chapter 13

TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE

November, 2010

I just got back to Cheshire, I hadn't seen Gemma or Harry in forever. I knew that I wasn't going to see them anyways as Harry had been busy with one-direction and Gemma was at Uni.

I hung out with my aunt for a few days and I eventually got bored. I decided to call my other friends in Cheshire but all of them were busy except Mark. Mark was Harry's best friend and they were always close. He also was a little lonely after Harry left.

My birthday was in 3 days and Harry was coming home tomorrow, I'm planning on surprising him. Mark called and we decided where to hang out. I had never hung out with him alone as he was Harry's friends and 2 years older than me. We were casual friends and I always knew he was interested in me but I didn't think much of it.

He picked me up and we were driving, we were supposed to go down to the theatre but he kept driving and driving saying he just wants to drive around for a bit. It had been half an hour and we were just getting further and further away. I reached for my phone but he grabbed my hand and told me to relax, that I was safe.

He parked the car eventually in a closed off area. We just talked for a while, I was scared out of my mind but he was too strong for me to leave, he would've just caught me. We were too far away for anyone to hear, just Mark and I and I had absolutely no idea what he was going to do.

He slowly leaned in for a kiss and I pulled away saying "What the fuck are you doing" but he just grabbed the back of my neck and forced it. I was desperately trying to push him away and turning my face but he just grabbed my face and kept me still. He pulled out a few zip ties and tied my hands together while I kept struggling to get out of his grasp and screaming in his face. He managed to tie me up and I couldn't get out.

He then left the car and first walked to out the back seats down while I screamed for help and squirmed in my chair but he was so nonchalant. I kept thinking of ways I could get out but there was no one around for miles, there's no escape. He opened my door and picked me up while I kicked at him and missed his head by an inch. He didn't seem fazed as he just dropped me in the back seat.

I couldn't control the tears that started streaming down my face, he ripped my underwear. I felt so disgusting, so bare, I had never had a physical experience with anyone.

I pushed against him and tried and tried to get him off me but nothing worked. He choked me to keep me silent and grabbed my hips so hard I knew I would be bruised. It was painful for what felt like days before I eventually stopped screaming, I lay still, absolutely numb. I couldn't feel my hands or legs, I couldn't feel my heart beating, it was my brains way of expressing how much I would've rather been dead than there.

I don't remember how long it went on for, I just lost it. He eventually got up and threw me back into the front seat. I was dead silent; he was screaming things like how much better he's had and how I was shit into my ears but I just sat silent.

We drove back to Holmes Chapel and he dropped me off at the closed convenient store, it was late so there was no one around. I grabbed my underwear and tried to step out of the car but I fell to the ground, the pain was excruciating. He drove away as soon as I got out of the car.

I managed to stand up and slowly start walking back to Jen's house. About 15 minutes later I made It home and it was extremely cold.

Jen was asleep and I got straight to my room. I then started to prepare the tub. I took a picture of everything, including the bruises on my hips and my neck. I then got messages from Mark.

Mark: I would fuck you again for sure.

I screenshotted it then blocked him and got into the bath, I felt disgusting. I scrubbed and scrubbed, at this point I was just scrubbing skin off. I managed to get all the blood off then changed into my sleeping clothes.

I wanted to scream, I wanted someone's help, I wanted to kill Mark, but I was so drained. I need to talk about it tomorrow.

I lied there in bed, thinking about everything. I could still feel his disgusting breath on my neck, could still feel the pain, could still hear the words he was saying into my ear. I closed my eyes only to see his revolting face again.

How did a light and happy day go to this?

I eventually reached over to my side table and popped a sleeping pill; I finally fell asleep.

January 5th, 2013

I shot up straight out of my sleep clutching my chest. Why the fuck do I still have this dream, it's not like dreaming, its re-living the whole thing and I fucking hated it. I fall asleep in the memory and get up in real life.

How I wish I could just forget about it all. Forget the feelings, forget the pain. I always thought to myself about finally telling the police, finally telling someone, but I never did. I checked the time, it was 5, that's amazing.

I got out of bed and got myself a glass of water. I ended up going for a run, and I love the clear air and empty streets. The beautiful wind flowing through my hair as the darkness slowly turns to light.

How much I wish I knew what to do, I wish I knew how to stop it. What do I really want to do? It's like an endless cycle that I'm trapped in. Re-living the pain again and again of everything and not knowing how to stop it. Therapy hasn't really worked, talking about it doesn't help, drugs and alcohol only take you so far so, where do I go? Who do I turn to? What do I turn to?

I sat on the balcony, put my speaker on and played youth by Daughter. Watched the sunrise, taking in the beauty in the things I still find beautiful. Everything seems like a grey space to me but nature has always drawn me. She sings "Setting fire to our insides for fun, to distract our hearts from every missing word" and I wish it worked, I wish I could distract myself.