Begin Again

Chapter 8

"Joe you didn't kill your brother, it was an accident!" Abigail says trying to comfort me as I break down recalling what happened that day.

"Doesn't matter, I am to blame!" God I don't wanna be crying like this in public, but I can't help it. I really did love my young brother to death, I'd have never hurt him. Only if I wasn't so careless!

"Joe it wasn't your fault, don't be so harsh on yourself" she says trying to get me to stop crying, "But I didn't know about that hospital thing, what did your dad tell you?"

"I'm not comfortable talking about this now Ab" I sigh.

"I'm sorry, never mind" she puts her hand on mine to comfort me, I've managed to control my tears by now.

After a few minutes, I tell Abigail that I'm tired and I want to leave, and she nods in agreement. Opening that conversation about the accident for the first time left me mentally and emotionally exhausted, I don't feel like talking anymore. She pays the bill, and then stands up to hug me as we get ready to leave,

"I'll miss you until next time London boy, take care of yourself!" she smiles at me and I nod. Then we leave in opposite directions.

Even though I'm tired and I need to rest, I can't go back to the flat now. I don't wanna Taylor to see me like this. So I'd go on a little walk to calm myself down first.

As I'm walking down the noisy wide streets of South London, that's still decorated with Christmas lights. I think of my young brother whose life ended at the age of 6 cause of me. There was a 14-year age gap between us, yet we used to be very close. He used to love me as much as our mom and his nanny.

The year Patrick was born I was still in middle school, and I didn't use to have any friends there except for James, I'd found myself alone most of the time. So when he was born I became obsessed with him. He became my 2nd best friend after James. I found our bond so pure and innocent since he was a little kid, and I was certain that he'd grow up to be the closest person to me as years pass.

I loved teaching him those little things like riding a bike, swimming or spelling my name. He'd always pronounced Joseph wrong, so he preferred calling me Joe unlike the rest of my family.  We used to go to the theater together, and I used to introduce him to my school mates cause his innocence would make them laugh. I was unlike many people who'd get annoyed with their young siblings. Like Tom for example, he's a very admirable person but we were never close, and he used to find me embarrassing and childish most of the time. Even though he's less than 2 years older than me.

I'd have never imagined that a day would come when Patrick wouldn't be here cause of me. I still can't process the fact that I'll never see him again. I won't get to experience going with him on his first day of school, or hearing him sneaking to sleep in my room in the middle of the night after he begs to watch a horror movie with me. I fucking miss him. I don't understand why would God give me a life to take my own brother's! Couldn't he make it any other way??

I shed some tears as I recall all those memories. And after a couple of hours when I feel better, I decide to go back home.

When I'm back at the residential tower, I find Taylor leaning on the edge of the stairs in front of the room, staring at the gate as if she's waiting for someone to show up.

She's wearing a white sweater with gray cats on it, and black shorts. Her red lipstick matches her embellished headband, and her hair is styled in natural waves. I'm seeing her in a different hairstyle from ponytails for the first time. Once she spots me she smiles from ear to ear, I give her a faint smile back then continue on my way up to the room.

"Why are you standing here at this time? It's cold" I ask her.

"I was waiting for you! You were out for 5 whole hours and it was getting late so I felt a bit worried" she says being concerned, and I smile at her warmly.