I Couldn't Give Him That

You kept that away

The wedding wrapped up with that. Stevie couldn’t believe Christine broke her promise to keep her mouth shut, she felt betrayed by one of her best friends and she was mad. She was going to have a word with her, but now it was Lindsey’s turn. After he apologized to all the guests, he grabbed Stevie by the arm and dragged her to a private room. He didn’t even bother about running after Kristen to calm her down first.

“Is it true?”

“It’s not something Christine would have come up with just like that, don’t you think?”

“Was that the only way I was ever going to find out? I have a feeling that you weren’t planning on telling me, were you?”

“No.”

“My God…” Lindsey undid a few top buttons of his shirt as it was getting near impossible to breath. “I’m a father and I didn’t know! How long have you been keeping this away from me?”

“Aaron is four months old.”

“For fuck’s sake! What have I ever done to you so horrible for you to be treating me like this? Why do you hate me so much, Stevie?”

“I thought it was better this way.”

“How?!”

“Lindsey, we talked and agreed that we’re not meant to be together, that you should find someone else, someone younger, so you could start a family with her. And I found out I was pregnant after that painful talk we had.”

“You think I would have cared? You know perfectly well that I’ve been in love with you since I was a teenager, don’t you think having a baby with you is what I’ve always dreamed of? Even if we couldn’t be in a relationship, you took away my chance at being around him. He’s still very young, but I’ve already missed out on so much. Do you have any idea how many times I have imagined you being pregnant? How I would rub your back, while we talked baby names? How often I have thought about what the nursery would look like? How I would hold your hand, when it’s time and you’re scared for life? How I would hear our child cry out for the first time?” She stood by the window, turned away from him, tears streaming down her face. No, she had never thought about any of it. “I have a son, I’m a father and you kept that away.”

“I’m not proud of what I’ve done. Every day I look into his eyes and I see you, Lindsey, it’s tearing my heart apart, but you had met Kristen already, you made plans and I didn’t want to wreck it.”

“We both know it’s not about that, Stevie. If only you had called and told me, I would have been by your side the very next second. Don’t try to make up a reason to justify your actions.” He was still very angry with her, but his voice was relatively calm, yelling at each other wasn’t going to solve anything. “Who else knows?”

“Karen and Christine.”

“I understand Karen, but Christine… Some friend she is!”

“I asked her not to say a word about it to anyone, it’s not her fault. And I don’t know how I would have done it without her, she’s been with me every step of the way and I will forever be grateful.”

“That was supposed to be me, Stevie.” He sighed heavily, now tossing his jacket over the back of a chair. “How did you make this wise decision in the first place? What made you decide to exclude me from my son’s life?”

“You and Kristen…”

“Cut the crap! I know you don’t give a fuck about Kristen, nobody does! I want you to answer me honestly.”

“A doctor confirmed I was expecting about a month after we broke up and I was so happy, but I also have never been that sad ever before at the same time. I wanted to dial your number right away, but something snapped inside of me and I stopped. And you know why? Because I couldn’t be sure I would carry the baby full term. We both know I failed at that in the past. I started thinking that what if we get really excited and have everything ready for its arrival, we’ll have the name, we’ll have the room for him or her and suddenly they’re gone. I knew it would have been terribly hard, but I would rather have gone through it on my own, I didn’t want to think about you feeling it too, Lindsey.”

Lindsey wanted nothing more than to pull her into his embrace and hold her. He felt so sorry she had to go through that all by herself, live in fear every single day. He was going to say she was selfish, but if anything he could only call her the most selfless person after she told him that.

“And later? When the risk was gone, when you held our baby in your arms? Why not tell me then?”

“If I’m being completely honest, I don’t know. Maybe I thought that if you were going to be a part of Aaron’s life, we’ll end up together and what if we fuck it up again. I just got so scared by the whole thing. I understand I wasn’t right doing it, you deserved to know, but I… I just couldn’t tell you, Lindsey. I worked myself up so badly, I thought you wouldn’t even want to hear about it, that you were happy with your new life, that you simply didn’t need me or our son.”

“I can’t say I’m not deeply hurt by what you’ve done, but I understand why you did it.”

“You do? Lindsey, not even I myself understand it.”

He half smiled, wiping away the traces of her mascara with his thumbs. “You’ve always been one messed up woman.”

“Thanks!”

“Not in a bad way.” He took her hand and led them to take a seat. “Aaron, huh? Like your grandfather.”

“My greatest musical inspiration.” She nodded, smiling at the memory of the man. “I hope you have nothing against it.”

Lindsey shook his head. “No, of course not.”

“I’m so sorry...” She began sobbing into the palms of her hands.

“What’s done is done, Stevie. I just hope I’ll get to meet him now and catch up?”

“You don’t have to ask, you can come whenever you want, you can come home with me now!”

“Well, I think there’s someone else I have to talk to about what happened first.”

“Right! That vanished from my head completely.” She said, feeling a little embarrassed that she took the first opportunity to get him home with her.

“Does he really look a lot like me?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

“I’m much more excited about meeting Aaron than I was about this wedding.” Lindsey admitted, leaning back into the couch. “I think I’m ought to thank Christine for ruining the ceremony.”

“You and me both.”

“What?”

“I shouldn’t have said that, don’t… ignore me.”

He wasn’t going to dwell on it now, but he was definitely not going to ignore what she said. “Can I visit tomorrow?”

“Yeah, tomorrow’s fine. But I don’t live in the big house.”

“Then where do you live?”

“In a one bedroom apartment.” Stevie laughed and Lindsey raised his eyebrow. “What?”

“Why?”

“Because people couldn’t come around unannounced and find out I have child.”

“Oh… Well, that makes sense.”

“Anyway.” She stood up and so did he. “I’ll be on my way, Karen will inform you where to find us.”

“Okay. Looking forward to it.” They were looking at each other awkwardly, unsure of what exact form of goodbye to share. “Come here.” He finally opened his arms and she was more than glad to glue herself to him.