Hamesha and Forever - Sidnaaz

Chapter 11

"Shehnaaz...... Pyar hi sab kuch Nhi hota na yaar..... Haina? bolney mein.... achha lagta hai, but Pyar har case mein timeless Nhi hota" he started after a few moments, sighing, taking her hand in his.
"Matlab" she furrowed her brows, a little drained with their earlier emotional outbreak. But she understands now that he first needed to talk about something, though she dreaded, DREADED that he might tell her why he isn't accepting his love........but it would still be better than the rejection she had felt a while ago.
They were a lot better now, eachother's arms being enough to return then their sanity and peace.
"Shehnaaz....Mein....mere kuch..kuch inhibitions hein jo-"
"inhibitions matlab" she intervened
"restriants...matlab kuch baatein hein....I...how to explain..."
"Jese Jo thoughts kisi cheezon se rokte hein vo?"
"exactly! Vohi!"
She didn't understand the meaning of the word, but he understood him. And it was enough to cover the lingual gap between them.
Her heart sank as he said that though, Her own fears gripping her heart. To know something is a different thing but to actually hear it.
"Meri Dunya bohot Alag hai Shehnaaz Tere se, Mein bohot Alag hoon!"
And her heart sank.
She was right, her mind screamed! This was what she had dreaded! He loved her, but found her inadequate for his world! Ofcourse! Ofcourse! Her mind roared at her and she felt bile rise up. *Khud ko dekh aur iss ki ex-on ko dekh! Niece ko hi dekh le! Kitni Tish tosh hein sab! Ofcourse he can't confess* her mind mocked her.
She gulped, trying to calm down as he continued.
"Hum mein bohot farq hai Shehnaaz. Zameen asmaan ka difference hai" He said, realizing it himself.
Her heart sank further and further.
"Tu..." she smiled a watery smile, her chin quivering. "asmaan ki tarha hai, teri dunya iss asmaan ki tarha hai. Itna bara, door door tak! Mein aur meri Dunya is zameen ke tukre ki tarha hein Sidharth. Chotta sa, limited sa..." she was mumbling, realizing it herself but he interrupted her, totally baffled.
"WTF? Ye kya bole jaa rahi ho? Shehnaaz Tum paghal ho chuki ho? Paghal ho kya? Ye-"
"To tera kya matlab hai" She felt like someone had knocked some air into her lungs.
"Shehnaaz I meant.....mein bohot bara hoon Tere se....I'm way way too old for you Meri jaan" he said, relieved. it was finally out, something that always withheld him. And it was so difficult to say it. He didn't know why, but it was.
"Toh?" she asked, unable to understand the reason of him pointing it out right now. "Uss se kya farq parta hai"
"Parta hai! 13 saal ka difference hai Shehnaaz! Ye koi chota mota difference nhi hai! It's a big difference! Mein 39 ka hoon! Will turn 40 this year and you're only 25 Damn it! This is a huge difference" he held his head in his hands.
She sucked in her breath. What??? What had she been thinking and what is this man thinking? What the hell...
"Sidharth mujhe uss se ittu sa bhi farq nhi parta yaar! Tu pi paa ke aya hai Kya? Iss se mujhe koi farak nhi parta! Agar tujhe feel hota hai mein chotti hoon to-"
"No! No No. aisa nhi hai Shehnaaz but this world-"
"tujhe kab se farq parney laga hai dunya Se?" 
"mujhe nahin padta but tujhe padega! tera  career abhi start hua hai, Abhi Teri life start hui hai! Tu abhi se mujhse kyon bandhna  chahti hai!" he said, unknowingly entangling and playing with her fingers.
"Tu kya sachi paghal ho chuka hai Sidharth? Kyon bandhna chahti hai matlab? Mein pyar karti hoon tujh se, iss Liye!" she looked at him, slightly annoyed.
"Vo toh tu Paras se bhi karti thi na! Uss se pehle tere jo ex they unn se bhi! With time Pyar.... " He said absent mindedly, trying to exaplin what he meant and in doing so, he said something so dreadful.
She looked at him, wide eyed. She retrieved her hand from his, making him look at her in confusion
"Excuse me? Iss ka matlab?" her tone was cold and harsh.
"Kis ka?" He asked, confused.
"paras vaali Baat ka! tu kehna kya chahta hai?!"
and that's when realized his goof up.
"Baat suno Mera vo matlab Nhi tha-"
"vo matlab kya hota hai? Tera vohi matlab hai jo tu ne bola! meine bola meim tere se pyar karti hoon, tu ne bola ke vo toh mein Paras se bhi karti thi! Wow! WOW!"
"Shehnaaz Mera matlab ye tha ke....what if baad mein realise ho ke pyar nhi thaw...Sirf attachment thi. What if..."  he tried explaining but she cut him off.
"That's means tu trust nhi na karta mujhe! That's means you don't trust me! Nice! Sidharth Shukla nice! Hatts off!" She clapped mockingly, anger getting the better side of her.
His temper shot up instantly, eating away his side of logic too. The emotional drainage having rendered him on the edge. And when he's on the edge, he forgets how hurt other person might feel.
"Pehli baat toh ye ke I didn't mean that! Aur doosri baat ke sahi toh hai! nhi hai trust Tere pe! Hai tu flicker minded, hai tu flipper! Tha tujhe pyar na Paras se! Phir suddenly Mujh se ho gaya! Kya pata kal kisi aur se ho jsye! Koi security hai mere paas? Bol! Tu mhi hai trust worthy! Na tu na tera Pyar! Pyar agar itna tha tujhe toh phir tera vo ghatiya show kyon sign kiya?" he seethed in anger, spitting absolute venom and yet they were his heart's deepest, most secret insecurities.
She was absolutely gutted. It felt like someone had slapped her right across her face.
"Meine dekh liya teri kya soch hai mere baarey mein. Good! Achha hua pata chal gaya." she sat up straight on her seat, facing forward. She physically felt like her heart was being ripped off. She felt humiliated, her love, her loyalty, her everything had been tainted. She held back the tears that threatened to spill, chomping on her lips.
"Bohot achha! Ab realise hua ke kitni buri soch hai meri? Ab jaa show mein jaa, attention le. Tere Mahaan Show! ho gaya pyar khatam. tata bye bye! Do din mein adat bhi tooth jaye gi...agar adat hai toh!" he went further, as he always did, spewing absolute venom in anger.
"Please hotel drop kar De. Meko rest karna hai." she said, her voice devoid of any emotion except the slight shakiness.
"kyon? Ab paidal janey ka natak nhi karna? Kyon ke ab teko lagta hai ke oh ye toh maan jaye ga, aur mujhe akele Jana parey ga! oh no!" He taunted, laughing sarcastically.
His every word felt like an arrow moving right into her heart. She had just confessed her love a few minutes ago! How could he be ridiculing her and her love!!! How could he! How dare he!
"Teko problem hai toh bata de, mein utar jati hoon" she replied plainly
He smirked, and ignited the engine."
Jahan tak show ki baat hai na, Meine fun show samajh ke sign kiya tha tujhe bhi pata hai. Koi idea nhi tha aisa hoga. mujhe mis guide kiya tha unhon ne! Aur vo bhi ghalti ki meine! Nahi karna chahiye tha I know! But mene iss liye nhi liya tha ke mujhe attention chahiye...ya options" she said, plainly
He scoffed, just to hurt her. His anger having eaten the sane part of his mind.
Tears burnt at the corners of her eyes.
"Aur Paras se kabhi aise pyar vaali feeling nhi ayi Jesi tere Saath hai. Never! Shuru mein vo attention de rha that aur hum just flirt kar rahe the fun fun mein. Mein attach hoi thi bass! Jab uss ke hath pe usski gf ka name dikhaya uss ne toh foran peeche hatt gayi. Baad mein vo jealous jealous vala siyappa iss liye hua cause, cause meko bass ye tha agar aap mere friend ho aur mere se close honey ka dawa karte ho toh kisi sur ko top priority dena n all mujhe bura lagta tha. That's it. Meko koi pyar vyar nhi tha uss se! Chee!" She explained again, her eyes stinging, her words firm but her voice s little shaky at times.
He just kept smirking and nodding as he drove.
She felt like giving up on trying to make him understand but she didn't. She had to say what she wanted to or she would feel like she was betraying herself. This explanation wasn't for him, it was for her self respect - that she had taken her stand.
"Tu uss se apney aap ko compare hi mat kar meri nazar mein. Mere liye vo kuch bhi nhi hai aur TU sab kuch hai! Hamesha tha! teko yaqeen nhi ata toh ghar jaa ke dekh Lena! Jab Tum dono gaye hue they mein teko hi yaad karti rehti thi! Jab vo aa gaya tha aur tu hospital mein tha mein tab bhi tere baarey sochti rehti thi! Aur  flip?! Meine game mein flip mara hai but tere pe flip nhi mara! Meine ksbhi bhi, EK DAFA BHI tere pe game nhi kheli! Kabhi bhi Nhi! Task mein bhi Nhi! Tu achi tarah se janta hai!"
She sighed, still fighting back the tears
"But mein soch bhi nhi sakti thi ke tu ye sochta hsi mere baarey! Aaj pyar hai mujhe, Kal Nhi hoga, aaj tujh se hai kal kisi aur se ho ga! Vaah!" she laughed
"bilkul Sahi hai! Bilkul sahi soch hai meri! Hai tu aisi"
And her tears fell, like damn had been broken. but no sound left her mouth. The tears just fell on her cheeks onto her clothes.
They were about to reach.
" Tu kitna gsnda sochta hsi mere baarey mein....Mein khud ko teri nazron se dekh rhi hoon toh ghinn aa rhi hai meko khud se" her voice choked.
They had reached.
This was the first time she complained about it, her voice laced with the pain in her heart and he felt indescribably terrible. like a dagger had been moved into his chest and then twisted.
"Tu ne kaha pyar kaafi Nhi hota! meko samajh hi nhi aya tu kya keh raha hai. Ab samajh aya ke tu trust ki baat kar raha hai shayad, Jo tu mujh pe bilkul nhi karta. Shayad meri hi ghlti hai, mene shayad tujhe koi reason Nhi diya mujh pe trust karney ka. Lekin ab mein aur apney pyar ko justify Nhi kar sakti hoon. Tu mujhe azmaana chahta hai toh azma le, chorna chahta hai chor de" she said, getting out of the car, hoisting her broken mess of a heart.
"But mein karti hoon Tere se pyar. Karti hoon, karti hoon, karti hoon! Aur mein tere prati loyal hoon, tu kasam uthwa le! Bass! Ab teko Jo samajhna hai tu samajh." She looked at him in his eye, and said with all her conviction. She was standing on his side outside the door, bending towards the window and a few tears spill on his hand that was on the pulled down window.
He wanted to open the door, pull her and hug the living fuck out her, end both their miseries, clear the fucking misunderstanding but he didn't. He didn't because ego is man's greatest enemy, especially his.
"Room mein pohonch ke call kar dena. I'm waiting outside" he said as she turnedz about to go inside.
"Sala fake care mat dikha" she scoffed walking away into the hotel.
She was a tough one, but this hurt, it was too much. Even for her, even for her, it was Too much. Her chest felt constricted as she reached her room, the silence eating her, his words ringing in her ears, choking her.
He was still waiting outside. She would call, wouldn't she? She was like that, not letting their fights come between their health and security. But this fight, it had gotten too far. It wasn't a fight actually. He had broken her, he knew. He'd seen it in her eyes, in her smile, in her body language. If sinking in water were feeling, it would be what he was feeling. He couldn't breathe. He'd hurt her so fucking much! Why had he done it! But she had misunderstood him. No! His mind argued, nothing could justify what bullshitt he had uttered. He had tainted her love. Her pure, selfless, giving love. He hadn't even told her how special and beautiful she made him feel, how beautiful her love was. Instead, he'd told him she was disloyal. What The Fuck Have You Done? His conscience screamed.
Her every word had moved like world on his heart.
His thoughts were broken when his phone pinged, "Reached" the message said. *Gadhi* the name read and he wanted to run the car into a wall. But instead, he let his stupid ego win again, as he replied her with an *ok* and drove back home.

She had looked into the mirror and seen a broken self. No! She had to collect herself. What other said shouldn't define who she is, it shouldn't matter to her. BUT HE WASN'T JUST SOMEONE, her heart yelled at her. But WHY! WHY OH WHY! Why did he say all of that!
*Tujhe pata hai vo ghusse mein kuch bhi bolta hai, Jo mean nhi karta vo bhi!* Her Brain reasoned. But uss sab se pehle bhi uss ne bola ke *Paras se bhi toh pyar tha* Her tears knew no stop. *but he said ke uss ka kuch aur matlab tha* her brain tried reasoning again.
What did he mean then? Did she maybe over react?
But meine flips maarey hein shayad, tabhi toh trust nhi hai na usse...
"but yaar har baar aise thori ke kuch bhi boldo n then bolo ye nhi vo matlab tha!"
She held her head. How to stop thinking?
She felt sick and she NEEDED sleep. But sleep was nowhere to be seen.
Finally, giving up, she took a sleeping pill and dozed off on the bed.
But not before messaging him.

He was on his bed, rubbing his forehead, replaying their conversation again and again and again.
*Khud ko teri Nazar se dekhti hoon toh ghinn aati hai khud se* Was she self loathing? Oh No! Oh No No No No! God, No! She was so beautiful in his eyes, so pure, so loving.
What rubbish had he uttered. What had he done!
*But mein karti hoon Tere se pyar. Karti hoon, karti hoon, karti hoon! Aur mein tere prati loyal hoon, tu kasam uthwa le!*
He had to actually physically rub his chest to ease the pain.

His phone suddenly pinged,
*Gadhi* the name read.

"Sorry! mere saarey flips ke Liye. Shayad tujhe bola Nhi kabhi. Aur sorry ke meine aisa kuch Kiya hi Nhi ke tu bharosa karey. But I love you kuttey! Tu itna hurt karta hai na Mera Dil hai ke tera moun tor doon! BC looser!Darpok! She had typed.

What was She? She was so....so Wonderful. He couldn't help the tears that escaped his eyes.
But this show. It did the worst to his insecurities. THE WORST and he was helpless. Above that, he didn't want to start their life with insecurities and doubts in their hearts. They will have to wait, and he had to make her understand that he did love her, oh he did, but the time, it wasn't right for a start.
"No No! I'm so sorry Shehnaaz. I just uttered bullshit. Sab kachra kar diya yaaar! I'm so sorry Meri jaan. Hurt nhi karna tha tako. I didn't mean it"
He typed.

She didn't see the message so he instantly called her. The phone kept ringing, she didn't pick. He called a few times and then realized she must have slept.
Well, that is your punishment then, Sidharth Shukla. He told himself, laying down to sleep and he did doze off, but not before messaging her
*Kal breakfast hai di ke ghar! Bhoolna mat baby. Aur sorry!*

And that is Sidnaaz. Righting against the currents, fighting with eachother, but never giving up on eachother, always coming back to each other's embrace - no matter how big or small the argument.
And that's what makes a relationship strong - always finding your way back to your partner, not letting problems, your ego, get more important than each other. 💖

Don't forget to vote and share your feelings💕 I know this was an emotional ride🥀