Nerds Are Lovable

18: Nerds Are Perfect

Emma and I hadn't talked about our love lives, if you can even call it that, since our little game of 'tell me a secret'. It'd brought me closer to accepting myself, everything that I am, but it also reminded me of all that I am.

Who I am right now isn't who I was when I built up my reputation. Who I was would never be walking to the library for tutoring. Who I am doesn't purposely put herself in harms way. Who I was has lead me to be seen as bad and a bitch. All these contradictions made my head hurt and my heart pump with frustration and anger.

My mom's words kept repeating in my head. 'Happiness is once in a lifetime. Better hold on to it'. But every time I squeezed tighter a bigger space would form between. It wasn't fair and yet, the only person I have to blame is myself. And that just sucks balls.

"You're in a bad mood."

"You are too."

Jayden leans back into his chair, giving me a small smile as I sit down beside him. As always, all his books and homework cover half of the table. I turn in my chair to face him, offering a small smile back. We both kind of looked like we'd been run over by a bus. And to think we should be jumping up in joy that we only have school today and tomorrow before our Thanksgiving break.

"How'd you know?" Jayden asks.

"Your eyes," I tell him honestly, "They're more tired than usual."

"Usual?"

"Jam, you always look like you're carrying an elephant on your shoulders."

"That's not true," He tries to tell me but his voice sounds anything but confident.

I raise a knowing eyebrow at him, "I'm right."

I can only guess that his bad mood stems from his conversation with his mom when I'd left after dropping off the cake. And by dropping off the cake I really mean being pushed out. I'm sure that wasn't the last of the conversation between the two of them. It couldn't have been. Mrs. Monroe didn't seem like the type to quickly get over things. She's definitely still holding a grudge from something that happened to her in the first grade.

He only shrugs, looking away from me, "You aren't wearing your leather jacket."

"Blame the bad mood."

"So we're both falling apart," Jayden jokes.

"People that fall apart together, stay together," I nudge his shoulder with a light laugh.

Jayden turns to me again, a humorous smile playing his lips. His red cheeks made his tired eyes look at least a little brighter.

"Why the bad mood?" He asks me.

"You want me to be honest or are you just asking because?"

"Honest, that's why I'm asking."

"You," I look him straight in the eyes when I give him my answer.

Jayden stares at me for a second, unsure of what to do. His eyes are scanning me, calculating as they do. He's trying to figure out why I gave the answer I did. How he could be the source of my bad mood, and he's shocked by it.

"Me?"

"You, me," I give a very philosophical explanation, "I thought I knew who I was, but I don't. People think I'm one way, like how your mom sees me, and I see myself completely differently. I just don't know how to accept all of it," I look to Jayden's eyes who's intently listening to every word I say and every small action I make, "who I actually am."

"I know you, well maybe not all of you. But the Haley Jones that I see is the one that does what she wants, always has a reason for everything, and sure, there's a little 'bad' in there, but that's just what makes you you."