Nerds Are Lovable

38: Bad Girls Aren't Mean

She's beautiful.

But she was hurting, I could tell. It was clear that she tried to hide it, did a good job of it too. But after many long tutoring sessions of me just staring at her, I started to see right through her tough walls.

She's lonely. Afraid that people will leave her. Afraid of hurting those she cares about and missing her chance to apologize. So instead, it's easier to not let anyone get close. But no one can survive in loneliness. Humans are social creatures. We need friends, love, contact, in order to stay alive. I want to be that for her. I want to take her loneliness away.

But I'm not enough for her, at least I don't think so. She deserves the world, but can I give her the world?

I was shocked when she said 'yes' to the first time I asked to kiss her. I was more shocked how passionately and needy she kissed me back. But the thing that shocked me the most, was that she wanted to do it again. Again to the point that I felt comfortable enough to have sex with her. To lose my virginity to her. I wanted her and the surprise that she wanted me too, I don't think my brain has been able to comprehend it all.

I lay awake at night thinking

She always tells me I have calculated eyes. I don't get what that means. She says I stare at her like a problem I just can't solve. I do get that, because she is a problem I can't solve. How did I fall for her so fast? Why does she even give me the time of day?

She turned my life around. She knew who she was and she was helping me discover who I was. She's a fierce fire that burns me to the touch. It's addicting, how she makes me feel.

Before her, I was never too worried about girls,
love, relationships, there just wasn't the time. Every aspect of my life has been perfectly and meticulously planned by my parents. Get perfect grades, go to Purdue, take over dad's company, get married to a wife of their choice - which only means of high social status - and then have kids, a boy, to take over the company. A never ending cycle of nepotism and patriarchy. I thought that life would be fine, just fine. I would never have a care in the world. I would never have to worry about anything. I would have everything I could ever want.

Until Haley.

Until she basically yelled at me to take control of my life. To not let my parents dictate what happiness looks like for me. To not let go of what makes me happy. She made me doubt the calculate plan my parents had crafted for the story of my life. She made me realize that parents aren't dictators over who we interact with and how we interact with them, but only a guiding light of morality. A reliable source of love and care.

I only got love and care if I got a good grade. I only got love and care if I won a competition. I earned my love and care. I wasn't given it unconditionally. She made me realize that. She made me realize that's not who I wanted to be.

Having a girlfriend in high school, right before graduation, right before going to college, was not part of this perfect plan of my life. But I loved how she changed these plan. I loved seeing my parents plan crumble before their own eyes.

Before, I was going to begrudgingly follow in my father's footsteps. Take over the company even though business was the last thing I wanted to study. All I knew was how to make my parents happy. They were happy and if their perfect son followed the perfectly laid out plan and just kept being perfect.

Perfect, perfect, perfect. That's all I've ever known. How to be perfect. Now I know, perfect is subjective. She taught me that. Because she's perfect to me. And I'm realizing I'm perfect, just not to my parent's standards.

"Jayden," I hear my mom call from downstairs, "Greta brought in the mail, there's some letters for you!"

I shook my head to rid myself of the swirling thoughts in my head. I unlock the door to my room, making my way downstairs. It'd become a habit, to lock my door. Too nervous my parents would walk in on me playing video games instead of studying or catching Haley in here when she'd never walked in through the front door.