Cerulean Found

Epilogue

I stand on the dock, staring out at the horizon. The sun is hiding behind some large dark clouds, blanketing the island in a natural shade. Staring out towards the water, I reflect on the past summer and all that has happened. The friendships made, the obstacles overcome, the love I unexpectedly found, and the tremendous loss of my mom.

I failed her. I know that this is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Why did she have to get sick? Why did she have to die?

I feel a single tear roll down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away. I don't want to cry. I don't deserve to weep. I need to feel the guilt that is mine. I could've saved her. I should've saved her. Why couldn't I save her?

In the hours and days following her death, I thought of nothing but Mennakenna and what could've gone wrong. I racked my brain trying to understand why the water she drank from Cerulean Bay did not cure her like it was supposed to. I know that there must be something that I missed. I just don't know what that missing piece is. I was supposed to save her. She was meant to live a long life and watch her kids grow. Now she is in a refrigerated coffin waiting to be transported back to the states to be buried.

Thinking about her alone, making the journey back home by herself in the cargo bay of the plane infuriates me. I start to become enraged. Everything that I had done, all that I had become was for her. And it was for nothing.

I try to focus on my breathing. I need to calm down. As much as I want to, I cannot let the anger consume me. Not yet. I breathe in and out as I take in the scene around me, trying to calm myself down. The water crashing against the dock below me. A seagull flying high above me. An ocean breeze blowing gently across my face. I want time to stand still because the thought of a future without my mom makes me feel sick. Like I can not breathe. I want to scream at the top of my lungs until my throat hurts. But I don't. Instead I take off my sandals and throw them into the ocean with all the force I can muster.

From the corner of my eye, I see something grazing the surface of the water. I turn my head to get a better look and to try and figure out what it is, but it's too late. It's already gone. I hear footsteps approaching.

"Hey Mila," a familiar voice calls softly. I don't need to turn to see who it is. I know by the voice that it's Josh. I wonder why he is here. I don't want to see him. I don't want to be reminded of my epic summer failure.

I didn't even tell him about my mom. I couldn't speak the words nor did I want to. I didn't know what to say or how to say it. I felt that somehow by me actually saying what happened out loud made it all the more real. And I didn't want that.

He kept calling repeatedly and I ignored every single call. I was avoiding him and he knew it. He somehow figured out what was going on. When he discovered what had happened to my mom and came rushing over. He wanted to help. He wanted to make me feel better. But he couldn't. Nobody could. He understood this without me even having to say anything at all. So he just sat with me, while I quietly mourned and blamed myself. He occasionally spoke to fill the void the quietness created. He talked about mundane things that I had little to no interest in. Boats, the weather and his fall semester. I didn't care about any of it.

He was sad, but he tried to wear a brave face for me. He didn't understand why the water from the bay did not work. He went to Peggy's house looking for Sabra in hopes of finding answers, but she wasn't there and wouldn't return his calls. He vowed to not give up and promised to get to the bottom of it.

When Josh would come over, uninvited and unannounced, he brought movies and expected me to watch with him. I didn't care to watch anything, but I obliged. It was the only way to distract him from me, even if just for an hour or two. His constant concern for my well being was beginning to frustrate me.