Cerulean Found

Chapter 23 - Magic

I don't know what to do. I should be nervous. I have never had a boy, who isn't one of my brothers, in my bed before, let alone my room. But I'm not nervous. I feel so at peace and completely safe right here next to Josh. I breathe in and fill my lungs with his sweet aroma. He smells like coconut with a hint of teakwood. It honestly is the most heavenly scent.

His fingers begin to intertwine with mine. The sensation of his touch is like a burst of electricity that radiates throughout my whole body. I try hard to contain my happiness. I really hope that he can't feel how fast my heart is racing.

"Can I ask you something?" Josh inquires softly.

"Yeah, of course," I reply.

"Why are you scared of water? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to or if you don't want to talk about it, that's okay too." His voice is soft and tender. Full of curiosity. There is no judgement or malice behind his words. So I do something I never do. I tell him the truth.

"To be honest, I don't know why I am. Ever since I was a baby I have had a fear of large bodies of water. I've seen so many psychologists and therapists and no one can pinpoint what it was that caused it. There was no freak accident that I witnessed. I didn't have a traumatic experience dealing with water, like almost drowning or something. I never saw anything in a movie or read anything in a book that may have caused this. It has always just been a part of me," I explain.

He listens attentively and strokes my arm with his free hand as I speak. "Everyone thought that I would grow out of it, but I haven't. Not yet, at least. It really bothers my dad. He can't comprehend that I have no control over this. Trust me, if I could I would go in the water and I would have gone with them today but I just physically can't."

"Yeah, he honestly seemed a little irritated this morning when I saw him," Josh says.

"He acts like this phobia is my fault and it's not. He's put me in therapy, I've gone to hypnosis, tried different holistic remedies and prescription drugs. But nothing works. It really doesn't bother me though. Well that's not true. It does bother me, I just have grown to deal with it. I've accepted this as a part of me. It's hard living with this fear, but I just deal." I pause for a moment, and wonder if I am sharing too much too soon. The smile on his face is encouraging and I decide to continue spilling about my life.

"I have never been on a boat, or a cruise, I don't even know how to swim, I can't go watch my brothers swim meets unless I take a beta blocker beforehand. And even then, I still make sure to sit in the furthest seat. And if you can believe this, I have never even taken a bubble bath! But, these are all things I'm used to not doing. I am fine so long as I stay a good distance away from any large body of water. The distance helps me feel like I am in control of the situation. That's what happened when Matty jumped in the pool. I was concentrating hard on the yoga and felt confident that I was in charge, but then when he jumped in and splashed me, all of my control washed away," I explain

"What does it feel like?" he asks.

"It's like I can't breathe. My heart races and pounds outside of my chest. It beats so fast that it causes severe pain. The ache in my chest is so excruciating that I often wonder if I am having a heart attack. It's so scary and at that moment I feel like my whole body is shutting down and I have absolutely no power over it and I feel as though I may die," I say.

"Wow, I had no idea. Again, I really am sorry about that night." His voice is so sincere.

"I know that you didn't mean anything by what you said. I shouldn't have yelled at Matty, though. I was just mad about what he had done and that you saw me get so worked up. I was also angry that you had a girlfriend, well I thought at the time that you had one." I force a smile.