Deceret Series #2: Bleed for Love

Chapter 25

"I don't do long distance relationships." Matigas kong wika. "It won't work."

Rigor stared at me helplessly. He opened his mouth to speak, but I quickly held my palm up to shut him.

"And don't tell me that you're going to drop that opportunity for me. Because by then, you'll be the biggest fucking idiot I've ever met."

Tumayo ako at binalot ang katawan ng kumot. Rigor remained in the bed. I picked up my clothes with trembling hands. Isinaulo ko na ang sasabihin ko sa kaniya. I know the lines already. I went through it in my head over and over again. But I'm still nervous.

"If you go, I'll be miserable." Pag-amin ko sa kaniya. "But if you stay here, we'll both be miserable."

"Huwag mong sabihin yan, Czarina." A look of disapproval crossed his face.

I swallowed and stepped into my panties, then put on a clean shirt. Pagod ko siyang tiningnan.

"Think about it, Rigor. JHU is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Once you go there, you'll be able to establish the name that you deserve. You have a clear future and a career waiting for you in art. Not all art students are lucky to be as talented as you."

Hindi niya ako sinagot. Nag-iwas lang siya ng tingin habang umiigting ang panga. I could tell he's hesitating, too.

"If you stay here with me, then what? What are you going to do here? Even if you love me, you'll still wonder about the road not taken. You'll have a lot of what ifs. These questions will turn into anger, then resentment, then misery. We'll be together, but we'll be miserable."

"Do you really think of me that low?" it was almost like a growl, and he sounded so disappointed in me.

"Trust me," I said bitterly. "I've been through it. Alam kong yan lang ang kahahantungan nating dalawa."

"You're not even willing to try LDR." He said in a quiet voice. "That speaks so much about you."

My lips went into a thin line. I don't want to try it because I know we're only going to end up hurting ourselves. No matter how much I love him, I'll be living with the fact that I am not half as good as him, and I'll resent myself even more for pushing myself to him. Not that he deserves someone better than me. I could be that someone...

Just not now.

Not when I'm so fucked. Not when I could still hear my best friend screaming in my dreams as she falls into her death. Not when I'm touching the cigarettes again at night, without anyone watching, and then feel guilty all about it the next morning to the point that I'll starve myself. Not when I pretend not to hear the gossips of the students, the mute accusations of the teachers and professors every time they see me.

Not now.

"You're right." I said defiantly. "I guess I don't love you enough to even try to take that risk."

Nagdilim ang mga mata niya sa binitawan kong mga salita. He got up angrily and glared at me.

"Bullshit, Czarina. That's bullshit."

I shrugged, then reached for the cup to hide my trembling hands and took a sip of my coffee.

"I don't know, Rigor. I'm very good at fucking things up. If you stay, there's no telling when I'd fuck this relationship, too."

I've never seen him this angry and disappointed that it slowly breaks my heart even before we call it quits. He didn't say anything. I guess he's too afraid of all the hurtful words sitting at the tip of his tongue to damage me even further. Rigor just got dressed quietly and without a word, stepped out of my apartment.