letters [max verstappen]

28

July 12, 2019 - Silverstone

Since Monaco, I had been attending every race. I was happy to be back around F1, and my friends, but it also meant I was spending more time around Max as well. I wasn't ready to admit it out loud, but every time I saw him he took up more and more space in my mind. At the same time, Alex and I still had our friends-with-benefits thing going on, but I felt my heart moving away from Alex as our relationship started to coast.

Silverstone wasn't helping the predicament in my mind. Alex's home race meant he was extremely busy, and since I was a Red Bull reserve driver now, I was spending my time mostly with Pierre and Max.

Friday night, however, after practice, I met up with George, Lando, and Alex to grab dinner. I was quiet for most of the meal, too wrapped up in my own head to give any of them much attention. Alex drove me home after like he usually did, walking me up to my apartment. As we walked in the door, he grabbed my wrist and stopped me, turning my body back towards him.

"Hey, wait." He murmured. "What's up? You've been... weird lately."

I sighed. "I know. I'm sorry, Alex. I've just had a lot on my mind."

He frowned. "A lot about what? A seat for next year? 'Cause you know that will all work out."

I bit my lip awkwardly. "Um– no. A lot about Max, actually."

I saw his jaw clench and his face drop as he attempted to take a deep breath. "What about him?"

I slowly took his hands in mine and looked up at him. "I know you already know that I'm still in love with Max, but– the amount of time I've been spending with him, and how you and I have just been drifting apart a bit," I rambled. Alex knew exactly where I was going, and broke eye contact with me, instead staring down at his shoes. "I just don't think I can do this anymore. I feel like I'm using you, and it's not fair to either of us."

There was a long silence before Alex spoke up.

"I don't mind being used by you. I think we've been using each other for a while now. Honestly, since we started again after your accident." He admitted, and I nodded along. "But I can see how torn you are. I understand." He murmured, looking back up at me.

"We can still be friends, Alex. I don't want to lose you." I assured him.

He let out a small, sad chuckle. "Yeah. But it's not going to be like it was before." He moved his hands to wrap his arms around my back, pulling me close and I wrapped my arms around his neck, leaning into his chest. "Bye, Becca." He murmured as we broke apart.

"Bye, Alex." I said quietly as I watched him walk through the door.

—————

August 31, 2019 - Francorchamps, Belgium

I was in the Toro Rosso hospitality, sitting with Pierre and Cate in his driver's room watching the F2 race. "Oh my god." I gasped as I saw Anthoine's car careen into the barrier at Eau Rouge, and I was frozen as we watched Juan's car split Anthoine's in two. My heart sank to the pit of my stomach. My mouth was gaping as I looked at Pierre, who was in shock.

"That was- that was Anthoine." He gulped.

"I know." I murmured, fearing the worst. I was trying to keep a calm exterior for Pierre's sake, knowing he still had to drive today, but inside I was having a panic attack. He and Cate pulled each other close for comfort, but I just sat there, frozen. A few minutes later Pyry peeked in the door.

"You guys saw it?" He guessed, seeing the state of us. We all nodded silently. "Okay." He said softly. "No one is going to make you turn it off because that'd be torture, but do you want to come to watch it in the lounge? That way we can keep an eye on you." It was clearly a demand and not a request, so the three of us obliged and followed Pyry down to the main lounge, where a decent amount of the team was fixed on the tv. A few people moved around, making room for us on the couch, and we sat down, Pyry on my left. Dany joined us a bit later, quietly saying hi and sitting down on my right.