All This Time

Chapter 5

The days passed, and I kept busy, which was not difficult considering everything that was going on: practices, qualifying, Clash, duels. It all reminded me of just how much I loved this sport, especially speedweek.

Ryan and I managed to sneak some time here and there, even though we both felt guilty about it. We really did try to stay away from each other, but it was so hard, especially when we were working together.

We had finally gotten to Saturday, the day before the big race. I had spent the day hanging out with friends to watch the Xfinity race, and after I had some media stuff to do with Ryan and his Penske teammates Brad and Joey. It was late that afternoon when I finally made it back to Erik's bus.

"How was your day?" Erik asked as I entered the bus.

"It was good. I had fun hanging out with everyone. I'm really enjoying my job too. What about you?"

"It was good. I think the car is going to be good tomorrow." He replied.

"I'm sure you're glad you left JGR." I said.

"Well, they released me, so it's not like I was given a choice." He said, and I noticed a bitterness in his tone that I had not picked up on before.

"I know you're gonna do great." I forced a cheerfulness into my own tone.

"Yeah." Was his only comment.

Awkward silence then filled the room. How was it that I never noticed Erik and I really didn't have much to talk about? Ryan and I could talk for hours about virtually anything or sometimes absolutely nothing. Even when we didn't talk, the silence was never awkward.

"How's your head?" He asked, and I realized it was the first time in days that he had asked about my injury. Maybe it was because the glue that had been holding the wound together had fallen off that morning, so I was no longer wearing a bandage over it.

"It's fine. Hardly even notice it. Barely a scar." I replied.

"That's good. Want to watch a movie?" He asked.

"Okay." I agreed, then took a seat on the couch while more awkward silence filled the room.

This was terrible. Was I doing the right thing by waiting to break things off? The race was tomorrow. I just needed to get through tonight and the race. Erik turned on the tv and scrolled through movie listings, settling on some gory horror movie. I despised horror movies. Did Erik not know that? Had we never discussed movie preferences?

"Is this alright?" He finally asked me. Okay, so I guess maybe we didn't.

"No, not really. I don't care for these type of movies." I replied.

"What movies do you like?"

Wow, this was a conversation that should have been had in the beginning, not two months into the relationship.

After listing my preferences and him scrolling through the channels again, he settled on Talladega Nights, which I had seen so many times, I could recite it word for word, but I decided not to push the issue. I honestly didn't care what we watched.

I tried not to tense up when Erik wrapped his arm around me during the movie. This felt so wrong. I was so determined to wait to tell him, but by holding out, even if it was for his own good, was I leading him on?

I forced myself to try and relax and pretend that I was into the movie, but all I could think was that it should be Ryan's arms around me, not Erik's. I tensed up even more when he moved my hair off of the side of my neck and placed a kiss there. Why did I feel like I was betraying Ryan by letting Erik kiss me? I was cheating on Erik with Ryan, yet this felt so wrong.