All This Time

Chapter 6

Lightning flashed across the sky, followed immediately by a sharp crack of thunder, loud enough to make me jump. Please don't let it rain tomorrow. The last thing I wanted was for the race to possibly be postponed. As much as I loved Daytona, I had absolutely no desire to have to stay here for one more day. Postponing the race would mean postponing the break up with Erik. I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold out.

The bus was dark when I let myself in, I was hopeful that Erik had already gone to bed. He did have a big day tomorrow. I just couldn't face him right now.

"Did you have a good time with your sister?" The voice in the darkened room startled me, causing me to nearly jump out of my skin.

"Oh God Erik, you scared the shit out of me. Yeah, it was fine." I said, feeding him yet another lie.

He was quiet for a few moments before he finally spoke. "Hmmm. Funny, I got bored earlier, so I went for a walk. I happened to run into Alyssa and Alex a little while ago. She said she had not seen you since this morning. Don't lie to me anymore Laynie. I know you were with Blaney. I saw you together at his bus."

My worst fears had come true. Erik had found out. I knew I should have told him earlier. Why do I always second guess my gut instinct? This was the last thing I had wanted to happen. I had wanted to sit Erik down and explain everything to him on my terms. Do everything I could to let him down easy, as Alyssa had suggested. What a complete nightmare this was. "I'm so sorry Erik. I can ex..."

"Is that why you keep turning me down? Why you haven't touched me, why you've been resisting my touch? Because you are fucking Blaney behind my back? I've felt you slipping further and further away over the last few days, and now I guess I know why." Erik's tone was calm and composed, yet icy. He never raised his voice, which I thought was odd because I had heard Erik on his in car radio and he had a tendency to get pretty fiery when he was mad. I wasn't sure I liked this cool tone. I would have much rather him yell at me. I certainly deserved it.

"It's not like that Erik. It's not. Ryan and I are not sleeping together." I protested, not that it really mattered though. You can cheat on someone without actually having sex. I'm not stupid. I was most definitely cheating on Erik.

"It doesn't matter if you've been sleeping with him or not. You've obviously been seeing each other. Sneaking around behind my back. Just how long has this been going on, Laynie?" Bingo.

"Since I fell." I said in a small voice, then I explained to him in detail, everything that had happened from the moment I came too after my fall, how I had initially blamed in on being disoriented after hitting my head, only to learn later that it was so much more.

"So if you had been alone when you fell, this never would have happened? Is that what you are saying?" He asked.

"No. I honestly can't say that for sure, Erik. But based on my history with Ryan, it was bound to come out sooner or later."

"Are you in love with him?" He asked with an icy stare, but there was a trace of sadness in his voice that broke my heart. He was going to force me to admit something that I had only admitted to myself.

"Yes." I replied, wiping away the tear that was rolling down my cheek.

"Damnit. I could have given you everything. I was willing to give you the world. I love you Laynie." He said, raking his fingers through his hair. I could hear the heartbreak in his voice, and it gutted me.

"I do care about you Erik, and I hate myself for this. I never wanted this to happen. I never saw this coming. I wish that I was in love with you, but I'm sorry, I'm not. I just hope you know that there is someone out there for you. Someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. I truly am sorry that it's not me because you are an amazing person and you are going to make someone very happy. I really hope one day you find what you are looking for."

"I thought I already had." He said, deflated.

"I'm so sorry for that." I choked back a sob.

"I just wish that you would have had the decency and the guts to tell me to my face, rather than me actually catching you in the act. I think that's what hurts the most is that I was completely blindsided. I thought things were going great for us right up until a couple of days ago." 

"I thought it best that I wait until we got home. I wanted you to focus on the race, not be distracted by a break up." Suddenly saying those words to him out loud sounded like a cop out. I had thought it was a good enough reason, but I had only been fooling myself.

"I think it's best you leave." He said, after clearing his throat, refusing to look me in the eye.

"For what it's worth Erik, I never meant for this to happen and I am so..."

"Yeah I get it. You're sorry." He snapped, the icy tone was back.

He was angry, as he had every right to be, but he was actually more hurt than angry. I wished I could offer him some kind of comfort, but I couldn't because I had brought this on. I resisted the urge to at the very least hug him. His body language suggested he would not appreciate it, so I held back.

"I just hope one day, you won't hate me, but I'll understand if that never happens."

No other words were spoken as I silently packed my bag. There really wasn't anything left for either of us to say.

I could now hear the rain pelting on the roof of the bus. Just perfect.

I should be relieved that it was over. I should be happy that Ryan and I were going to be together, but I felt anything but relief and happiness. Sure I had the guy I had always dreamed about, but at what cost?