• Eternal Night •

34

Shivaay's eyes remained on the views outside the train's window. Trees, roads, rivers, sky; everything amalgamated into a blur of he didn't quite recognize. But it was beautiful to look at. And just like that, the melancholic feeling in his chest tightened. He suddenly wanted to go back to the dull hospital room, hear the same beeping sounds and just go to sleep. The realization that he was never going to live a full life was making him sadder than he had hoped. 

"Is the soup okay?" Annika asked. 

They were sitting in a different coach purposely so that they could have a little privacy from the family.    

"Yeah..." he nodded and stirred the soup. "It's nice." 

Annika slyly wrapped her fingers around his. "I know what you are thinking. And let me tell you that it is alright to be sad. You don't have to pretend." 

Shivaay sighed. "I know that I don't have to pretend. But I do care about the people around me. Mein hi much latka ke ghumne laga toh everyone will be upset. Sometimes, you have to do things for others even if you don't feel like doing them." 

What could have felt like a taunt to Annika, didn't feel like one to her. She figured it was because of the way Shivaay had said it. He looked so forlorn that she knew that he was speaking only for himself. 

"I don't mind being sad with you, Shivaay..." she offered. 

He smiled. "What a fun couple activity to do..." 

Annika also chuckled before the smile fell off Shivaay's face. "Not anymore I guess. I don't even what are we supposed to be right now? Separated? Trying? Estranged? Fuck buddies? Just what? I have no idea." 

Annika kept quiet. To be honest, even she didn't know what their relationship was supposed to be. Shivaay let her be silent for a long time before saying, "We never talked much. Isn't it?" 

"Yeah..." Annika mumbled. 

"Well," Shivaay kept his head on the seat's headrest. "It is going to be a long journey. You can tell me a few things today. Trust me when I say this, I am taking them to my grave." 

Annika's chest heaved and she felt a mixture of all emotions. Anger, agitation and some sympathy. But mostly anger. She snarled at him. "You don't have to keep saying it. Please." 

Shivaay bit his tongue. "Sorry. But really. Tell me your fondest school memory." 

Annika jogged her memory to think of something but she didn't have anything. All she did was to go to school, study and come back. She hardly interacted with anyone or got into trouble. She shrugged. "There is nothing." 

"Not one?" he asked. 

She shook his head. Shivaay sighed. "I will tell you mine. I was asked to speak on the mike when I was in the second standard. I might have wet my pants on stage." 

An instant smile lit up Annika's face. She could totally see it happen. "Gosh." 

"Yeah..." Shivaay sheepishly rubbed his forehead. "And then once, a few of my friends planned to bunk. Everyone jumped the wall except me. I was caught because I was the smallest. And then, the principal called me. And Om also for some reason. They complained about me to Om. Then they called my parents. Then it was my ass and Dad's palm. Let's just say that Dad put the best drummers to shame that evening." 

Annika covered her mouth with the napkin and laughed. "What the fuck, Shivaay?" 

"It is true. Dad was so pissed..." he chuckled. "But I can't believe that you have never bunked." 

"What to do?" she smiled. "I just...I am not programmed, wired to do these things..." 

Shivaay nodded. He looked away and mused, "No friends, can't do weird things. Can't fall in love...what kind of life are you living, Annika? You are just existing. Just passing some time. If I had an able body like yours, I would have travelled the world, made love every day to my partner, just lived my life. Why don't you do that? What's the problem?" 

Annika sobered. She thought about it a lot. And for the first time, she spoke about it. "I don't know. It's just a mental block that I cannot shake off. I know what I want, I just can't say it or claim it." 

Shivaay reached out and kept his hand on hers. "Why?" 

She exhaled noisily. "Maybe because I got comfortable with the silences. Maybe because I have always been scared of loving and losing people. Maybe because I knew that I would never ever betray my own self." 

His grip on her palm tightened. "Or maybe because you never met the right people." 

Annika looked at him. He just smiled. "Annika, understand that not everyone is out to get you. Not everyone you meet in life will hurt you. There are people in the love who are capable of loving others with a passion and intensity that is unparalleled. And if you are lucky, you will find such souls. And when you do find them, you embrace them. You don't push them away." 

She threaded her fingers between his. "I know. I know it sounds easy but for me it is difficult." 

"Surrender to your heart once," he insisted. "I am not asking this for me. For anyone. But just try. You might end up in a beautiful place. Who knows?" 

"I did..." she whispered. "I tried surrendering once and it didn't take me to a good place."

She jerked her hand out of his grip and looked out of the window. "Do you think this is a good place? I am sitting with my husband but I don't know what my relationship status is with him? And worse, he might not make it. How is this good? I lost, right? Nothing lasts. There isn't anything like forever." 

Shivaay's face melted into a soft smile. "Does that mean you had surrendered your heart to me?" 

Annika's lower lip quivered and her eyes smarted. She let him hold her hand again. He pulled her close to him and she let herself go. Letting her head rest on his chest, she sighed. Shivaay's hand went around her waist. They sat there in each other's arms, quietly staring outside after months. This is what Shivaay had longed for. And for Annika, this is what perhaps she always wanted and needed but didn't really understand. The past few days for her had been hard. Now that she was sitting in the arms of this man, everything felt a little better. 

"Yes..." she whispered. "I just didn't know it."