silence speaks in volumes {karlnap}

~panic~

Part of the storyline. This is the backstory to Nick and his friend group, specifically to how Nick reacted to his friends' beginning to date.

TW: mention of panic attacks, slight angst

(Nick POV)

"What?" I asked. 

"I'm gay," Dream repeated.

"What does that mean for you?"

"I like boys. Not girls."

For some reason, my 12 year old brain couldn't wrap my head around the fact that Dream, my best friend, the person I thought would be hooking up with girls left and right, was gay. 

"What does that mean for us?" I asked cautiously. 

"Us?"

"Our friends."

He paused. "It means that maybe I like someone in our group, may-"

"Who?" I interuppted.

"Doesn't matter."

"Like hell it doesn't matter." I sunk deeper into the couch and crossed my arms. "Spill."

"Not now," Dream muttered. His face slowly turned bright red as he fumbled with his fingers.

"Okay... not now. Uh, have you told anyone else?"

"No. Just you."

I nodded.

I was a bit confused. I supported him with my entire being, but I was still confused. I didn't even know what about. I still don't. Maybe I was confused with myself. I had been experiencing strange feelings, similar to what Dream told me he was feeling. 

"Sexual attraction to the male gender."

But it wasn't just guys.

I wanted to say I liked everyone. I also wanted to say I was straight. At 12, I wanted to say I was gay. But my friends helped me through my struggles with my sexual orientation, and later helped me come out as bisexual to my mom. 

Then we all went to middle school. 

My world didn't crumble or crash down at my feet. But a few cracks certainly appeared.

George and Dream told me they liked each other. But they couldn't start dating until high school, Dream's parents' wishes. Still not sure why. 

Then Bad and Skeppy started dating. 

I was suddenly the third wheel for two different couples, my best friends. It wasn't stressful, but when I came home after school, after dinner, at nighttime, I often had panic attacks. No one knew. I can't even tell you why I had them. But I would lie awake, staring at my ceiling, and I would start freaking out. My mind was always filled with images of Bad and Skeppy in the (then) present, and Dream and George in the future (my present now). And I would freak out. 

Eventually, I panicked so much, I would act really off around my friends; tense, quiet, shy, the opposite of me. 

"Dude, you're acting weird," Skeppy said one day in seventh grade. "Is everything ok?"

I nodded. "Perfectly."

"Ok, something's up," he said. "I'm not believing that act for a minute."

My smile wavered. He saw through me. My friends always did.

"I'm fine." 

"Sapnap, you know you can tell us anything," he said quietly.

I almost broke down right there.

But I didn't. I told him I was fine and walked off. 

I lasted two weeks.

"Sapnap, honestly, you're being super weird," George said. 

"Is everything alright at home?" Bad asked. I don't know why he asked that; he would know if my mom and I were fighting or something happened. Not that it would.

"I told you, I'm fine," I said. 

"We don't want to push the subject, but we don't like seeing you like this. We want to help you, dude," Skeppy mumbled.

I was about to spill everything. I swear. But Dream, that bitch, had to go and open his mouth.

"Is it about the fact that Bad and Skeppy are dating? Or that me and George like each other?"

I couldn't help it. I started to cry. Not full on bawling, tears pouring out of my eyes, snot everywhere, gross. No. I just stared at the floor as tears slowly fell down my cheeks.

I both felt and heard my friends come to sit next to me, to try to comfort me. Hands on my back and shoulders, hushed voices whispering, asking me if it was alright, telling me I didn't have to tell them anything.

I pulled my knees into my chest. "I've been having panic attacks," I muttered. It was kind of distorted with my warbling voice, but I forced it out. 

"Why?" George asked gently. 

"I don't know," I whispered, burying my head in the cavern between my chest and my legs. The fear and the reality of what was happening crushed down on my shoulders, forcing more tears out of me. 

"For how long?" Skeppy asked. 

"Probably for as long as he's been like this," Dream said. I nodded, prompting more tears. 

They let me cry silently for a few minutes, rubbing my back in soothing circles and whispering that I could take my time. 

I grew tired of crying fast. 

I looked up and wiped my eyes. "I think the source of my panicking is from you guys," I admitted. "I don't know why I would be panicking over Bad and Skeppy dating, or Dream and George liking each other, but I think that's where it's coming from." 

"Added stress?" Bad guessed.

"Nothing else is stressful to me right now though."

"Well, maybe to your subconcious, something is stressful," George said. "I mean, the last day of school is in a few weeks, Skeppy and I are leaving to high school, and you're going to eighth. There's going to be finals and high school prep, it's going to be stressful. Trust me."

He was always such a psychological type person. Still is. 

I shrugged, not knowing what else to do.

"I don't wanna force you guys to stop dating, or to not even start dating, just because I'm freaking out for no reason. That's why I kept it secret. I didn't want you guys to think that I was making you do anything." My voice cracked slightly at the end, a few more tears sliding down my cheeks.

Dream waved George off of me a bit and wrapped his big arms around me. "We know you wouldn't do that," Skeppy said, putting a hand on my shoulder. Bad hummed in agreement. 

"Yeah, you're too much of a softie," George joked, slapping me on the leg. Laughter bubbled out of me, and I smiled gratefully at him.

"I'm sorry for worrying you guys and not telling you," I whispered. Dream peeled back, resting his hand on my back. 

"It's fine. As long as you're happy, we're happy," he said. 

I smiled and brought them all in for a group hug. 

I never had another panic attack over the four of them again.

Word Count 1114

im sry ;-;