I jerk awake. Was that entire thing a dream last night? Did I miss them that much? I look down and find a jacket wrapped around me. It wasn't. I wish it was. Then I wouldn't be so confused. So, I don't know honestly. So lost. I want to know what love is now and I can't figure it out. I'm sure I never will either.
Crawling out my window and pushing my unsettling thoughts aside I jog to Kayla's house. Scaling the wall in minutes and knocking onto her window. She looks over and I can see in her eyes she's mad at me. I sigh slipping down the wall and run out towards the woods. At least there I could cry and no one would ever see me. Or know that I'm crying.
Why am I crying anyways? Because I'm confused on my emotions? Because I'm resisting the urge to spilt open my skin? Because I just want somebody here to run into their arms and be able to cry? Maybe I am fucked up. Maybe I should've stayed in Arizona. Then again. Maybe I belong here to correct my terrors with my daily deals and leave them behind forever in a day when I can runaway.
I hope Kayla will understand one day that, I am an explosion and I am the monster here. I destroy myself knowingly and with that it unknowingly destroys her leaving me as the destructive force ruining everything but the people who aren't attached what irony it brings that all I want to do is help others and hurt myself while hurting myself helps to only hurt others. What a true terror.
