I feel so numb tonight. Like I could say anything about my past and it wouldn't affect me like it normally does. It's like someone drank away all my emotions.
I told Kayla about my past. I opened up more than I expected to tonight. It's because of this numbness, it's from not cutting. Not releasing the pain I have bottled up. I told her about Marshall Pickens, the hell hole I spent an entire summer in. I was a lucky one though. Normally most suicidal teens are stuck in there for a year. How lucky was I to only spend 4 months in my nightmare?
That place, the thought could make me puke alone. Usually when someone asks me about that place I avoid the subject I move to something else twice as fast, but today I felt like sharing what it's like to expire in a oh so nice hell. The people I met weren't what scared me. It was my thoughts. The thoughts I had there. Everything I looked at seemed like a perfect tool to gouge my eyes out. To bleed on the floor and die in some ironic vain.
That's where I met Alexander. He was what I'd call a friend. Maybe the only one I wish I could still talk to. I wonder if he's still there. I don't know anymore. I can't walk toward the place. That building is my only fear. It's what ruined me. Alexander was my only motivation to get out, he was 15 while I at the time was 13. He use to tell me that once we were both better that he'd take us to California. Where everything seemed to be better. I think that's why I like California so much. I expect to see him there one day. Just walking around.
I lost my mind tonight. I lost it all because I brought that place back into my memories though it'd never left , at least before it didn't taunt me the way it will for nights to come.
