Today was the start of winter break. Which means my birthday is tomorrow, really don't want anything done for my birthday. I really just want to feel at home. I don't think that ever going to happen though, no matter where I go it seems something makes me feel unwelcomed. Arizona was much more welcoming than South Carolina ever could be, but it still didn't feel like home. I walked over to my mirror, why can't I be skinny? I know I'm not fat but why can't I be small like the other girls at school? I've been so insecure lately. My phones ringing makes me return to reality. Shit. I forgot, Alex asked me to stay over today. I throw in simple band t-shirts and 2 pair of skinny jeans and a sweater and pajama shorts. I'll probably look like shit but whatever, not like I have anyone to impress. I throw on my jacket and pull my hair in a pony tail as I tell my aunty bye. She always gets so upset that I don't tell her I love her as much as I should. I put my headphones in as I walk to his house. Alex offered to have his aunt pick me up, but I didn't want her seeing this place, everyone at school already knew my name i didn't want to risk the chance of them being able to say I have financial problems. Maybe I just think too much. If I could earn money for pondering I'm pretty sure I'd be rich. As I reached the corner of the street I could see someone walking towards me. Great. It's either Alex or some stranger.
"Hey Taylor."
Oh. I was wrong. It's some boy from school.
"Hey Jordan."
I had a past with Jordan. Not one that anyone would know about. I told him to let the dead bury the dead and he did with that.
"Why are you walking the streets on a Friday?"
Oh you know, being a prostitute. He was such an asshole. With suggestive comments.
"Nothing just taking a walk, I'm gonna go now, bye Jordan."
"Why not come home wit-"
"Not interested."
If you he really thought that'd score him anything he's an bigger moron than I thought.
I finally got to Alex's house, as soon as I got in the door and sat my bag in his room we were off to go eat dinner. I really hadn't had an appetite lately. Maybe it was because I was insecure. I don't know honestly my appetite had just disappeared, tends to do that a lot now. Which wasn't such a bad thing till now. It was like an unexpected date. Was that what it was? I grabbed my phone and texted Kayla. I knew she'd know. They planned almost everything together and she's the only one who would know where I'd actually eat. Man I sound so picky. I guess I am picky about eating. Probably should break that habit.
What're you talking about? What date? ~ text from Kayla.
Oh, so she had no idea. Does this mean he planned it. I really think too much. This isn't a date, I'll be paying for myself. The thought of it being a date made me fidget. I'm pretty sure Alex though I had something crawling up me from how much I moved. His aunt seemed to like me, which came as a shock seeing as she's never liked any of the girls Alex has brought home in the past. In ht end it made me sick to think she could just turn around and hate me. She probably would too. I just wanted to go back to his house, his aunt was giving me the once over every time I looked her way. I wonder what she thought of me. Probably not good. I looked down and sent Kayla a text.
"I think Alex's aunt doesn't like me. She keeps giving me the once over. Makes me uneasy. " ~ text to Kayla.
Lately Kayla and I had been getting closer. I asked her about wanting to die before I left school today. She looked as if I shouldn't have known she wanted to. But it was obvious to me. The only way I could explain it was, I'm a monster and I observe people who have self destruct personalities. Which I do believe I am a monster. If I wasn't how could I do the things I do? Our food arrived and now all that was on my mind was that I was a big disgusting monster and if I kept it up Id end up alone.
