COntRol

22

⚡COntRol⚡
Chapter 22

Two months later...
[Kirishima's POV]

It has been two months. Two months of observations. Two months of trying to get closer to... them.

Both Kaminari and Katsuki.

I want to fix what I'd broken. 

I've hurt Katsuki in more ways than I thought was possible. I build a whole paradise out of the words I'd given to him, to make him believe that I'd loved him with all my heart, but had provided close to none of that. It was all temporary, and I can't help but feel dirty - that I'd lured him in with the bait and am now reeling him in for my own needs. I need to remember that I have to cherish him. I have to keep to my promise! I... I still love him!

And then Kaminari. I had to fix things with him. I had to rebuild our bond - the bond that I'd held so dear to my heart. I shouldn't have easily forgotten him. I shouldn't have used him to my disposal. He is my best friend!

Maybe... if I hadn't left him so suddenly... he wouldn't be going through that shit in the first place.

I've tried so much for the both of them - for the boys that I love - but the space between us just keeps getting bigger.

Katsuki is getting more distant. There's almost a wall between us, and he tries to do all that Kaminari had. He avoids interactions with me, pretending that I didn't exist. I didn't want to ask whether we were through - I feared the answer. All I knew was that there was only a fine thread keeping us together, and the tension was straining its risk of snapping. So I do what I can to ease it, leaving notes under his door and seizing every opportunity I can to smile or get a reaction out of him. I don't know what he does with those notes but... I just do anything I can to get him back.

I shouldn't have fucking let go.

But it was too late for regret. All I can to is mend... mend what I'd broken.

Yet despite my efforts, things aren't getting any better. He's ignoring me on purpose, and it's making me hurt a little more. These past two months were only pain. A horrible aching from somewhere deep in my chest, the pieces shattering and splintering. Each blank expression is like being forced to drink poison, each sign of avoidance like needles through my chest. It feels like something inside of me is dying, something being snatched and never given back. And now I'm choking - unable to breathe - but no one can see over the mask that I wear.

The only way that I knew Katsuki was feeling similar to me was his eyes.

Some days they're puffy and tinted red, after having experienced intensive crying. Other times they show the pain and longing. Displaying all the sadness, like shadows preventing them from shining their brightest, always begging to reach out - maybe to hug me; to kiss me; to say that he forgave me and he was ready to try again. We both want this to work, but he is hurting from what I did to him; to his soul; to his fucking happiness.

He still misses me.

And I miss him too.

But the dreading truth that never failed to bring me to tears was that he might never want to try again. He might not ever want to do it again - to go through another round of getting his heart broken by me, watching me fret around with another boy and only showing my love through words. I'm a shit boyfriend and I... I need to be better!

I can't... fuck... I have to fix what we still have!

Kaminari has also become worse. Week by week I notice more and more about him, and how he's drifting away from everyone. There are days, in particular, where he really looked... dead. Aizawa always raises concern and the class get worried as well, especially when he starts to silently cry in class, each time sending him to Recovery Girl. Even then, the only evidence that he shows is the small tears that stain his desk - only I was close enough to see them.