A Life On The Edge

Lean on Me

I left the prison shook up and uncomfortable.

“Stay away from him Riley. I’m warning you. No good can come of it…none.”

His warning played over and over again in my head. His secrets about the people in the town. About Mr. Harte, I found myself feeling overwhelmed. Extremely overwhelmed. I laid in Lyle’s arms just staring at the ceiling while he laid on the bed watching South Park, as usual. He chuckled at something the fat kid said. I was too lost in my own thoughts to keep up with the corrupted cartoon. He rubbed my shoulder and a warm feeling of comfort flooded my body.

“Baby, are you okay.” I shook my head. No, no I was far from okay.  I was murder on the run from a vengeful psychopath in a town full of liars taking care of a 6 year old child. I was in way over my head. He sighed and pulled me close. “Did I ever tell you how my brother died?”

“He drowned himself right?” I mumbled. Like I need more depressing things to think about.

“Yeah, but did I ever tell you how I found out?” I shook my head. “I was sixteen. It was during basketball season. I had given a freshman a ride home so I was late getting back. When I pulled up to my house I saw all these cop cars and an ambulance. Of course I jumped out my car and ran into the house. My step dad at the time was talking to one of the police officers. He looked calm…weirdly calm. I was so confused. I saw my mom crying on the couch.  Figured that Johanna had finally done it and OD’d. I felt my heart drop at the thought.”

“Where was Johanna?” I asked confused.

“Well it was then I noticed her on the other side of the room crying. I tried to ask what was wrong but nobody was talking to me. I looked around to Rory seeing as he probably would’ve been the only one to handle the situation and tell me what’s happened. That’s when I started to panic because I couldn’t find him. I looked at my mom and I asked…where’s Rory? She sobbed and couldn’t answer my question. And that’s when I saw the EMT’s role the body bag from upstairs and out of the house. Everything just…kind of clicked.” I felt my stomach wrench for him. “My mom had explained to me what had happened. He did it in a very…selfless way. If suicide can ever be described as selfless.” He grumbled to himself.

“How did he do it?”

“He cleaned the house. The entire house was spotless, because he knew mom would have hated to have all those people at our house with it being a mess. He had a glass of scotch ready for our step dad when he got there and heard the news. He was drinking it when I got home. He got rid of Johanna’s entire stash because he wanted her to be sober, so that she could be there for me. He left her some weed though. When I got home I found the snack he would always leave for me after practice waiting on my bed. 6 carrots and ranch, a bag of pretzels, a cheese stick, and a Gatorade. He called my mom half an hour before so she could get there before everyone else, along with our step dad so things could be handled quickly. He filled the tub with ice water. He put a board over the tub and weight it down. He slid it back once he got in and it snapped into place making it too heavy for him to push off. And he drowned. I stood in the bathroom just staring at that empty tub for hours it feels like. Carla called me later that night crying over her missing sister.”

“Did you tell her?” he shook his head.

“I didn’t have words. I hadn’t said a word that whole day. I just listened, and sympathized and dealt with her pain instead of my own. I didn’t stay for all of the funeral. I didn’t see him buried. I went to a basketball game. We won. It was my highest scoring game all season and coach took me out for a full quarter. He said I was getting too physical for a point guard.” He chuckled to himself. “I don’t know why I didn’t stay. I really don’t, and I really regret it.” He frowned.

“Why are you telling me this?” I whispered.

“Because I want you to know that you’re not alone. I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed with things you just…can’t control. To feel like your sinking, and there nothing to hold on to.”

“How did you deal with it?” I asked with tears welling up in my eyes. He bit his lip and sighed.

“The day Rory died, Johanna had to drag me out of that bathroom. She sat down next to me on the bed and…didn’t really say anything. It was quiet and we just stared into space for a really long time. Then out of nowhere she grabbed me and wrapped her arm around my shoulder. She pulled me into her and sang me a song.” I cuddled into him and closed my eyes.

“Will you sing it to me?” he started to hum.

“Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain. We all have sorrow. But if we are wise, we know that there’s always tomorrow.” He pulled me closer and sighed. “Lean on me, when you’re not strong. I’ll be your friend. I’ll help you carry on. For it won’t be long, till I’m gonna need somebody to lean on.” I closed my eyes and smiled. He laughed to himself. “It was when she got to this part I just got so angry out of nowhere. I just hated everyone and everything and I just wanted to be left alone. I started pushing her away but she grabbed me and pulled me back holding me to her and she kept singing.” He laughed. “Please swallow your pride if I have faith you need to barrow. For no one can fill those needs of yours, that you won’t let show. Just call on me brother when you need a hand we all need somebody to lean on.” I heard his voice crack but I didn’t say anything. I let him have his emotional moment and he held onto me. “I just might have a problem that you’ll understand, we all need somebody to lean on.” he sighed. “I cried in her arms that night. And when she OD’d three years later, I was right there in that hospital bed singing the same song to her.”

He’s amazing.

“Riley,” he whispered. “You can always lean on me. I know even though I’m here, Dylan’s here, and Tina is here you’ll still feel alone. We’re all in this together. So why is it that you’re the only one that gets to be strong.” My heart broke. “Lean on me.” He whispered holding me tight.

So I did.

“Lyle,” I whispered. “I’m so scared.”

“It’s going to be okay baby.”

“I feel like I’m in way over my head. I’m making emotional attachments and friends I can’t keep or protect. I’m failing you, I’m Dylan and Tina. I’m making things worse for everyone and I just keep digging the hole deeper. Everywhere I go I feel like someone’s watching me. Chris is right behind me or maybe someone knows about Sadie. I have flashbacks all the time now and they just keep getting worse. I’m sinking and I feel like I’m bring you all down with me.  Abandon ship Lyle,” I cried. “Abandon ship.”

“Never. The captain sinks with his ship.” He whispered. “And you not sinking you hear me. You’ll never sink as long as I’m steering.” I smiled and leaned into him. It was quiet for a while as I laid in his arms. A thought came to mind.

“Lyle?”

“Hmm?”

“Why Ice water?” I asked. He sighed.

“To preserve himself. He requested that every body part available be donate to anyone who needed them. A blind man in Oregon can now see with Rory’s eyes. A mother in D.C now loves with Rory’s heart. 5 boys, one in Tennessee, two in New York, one in Texas, and another in Georgia each have Rory’s bone marrow. A now 13 year old girl in Columbus, Ohio has his right kidney, and a 34 year old man in Cleveland has his left. Rory lives on in bits and pieces of people all across the country, and I don’t even have a picture.” He sighed.

“I’ll get you a picture.” I whispered. Before he could respond Tina came busting through the door.

“We have a problem.” She frowned. Lyle sat up and looked at her with concern.

“What?”

“River. I got a call from his daycare this afternoon. Apparently he got so mad at this kid for calling him a name he said ‘if you don’t stop I’ll put you to sleep’ and when the kid called him the name again…River grabbed a jump rope and choked him.” My mouth dropped. “He saw everything, and he’s talking. We’re fucked.”