A Life On The Edge

1. Liar Liar Pants on Fire

"Do you exist? Because I'm starting to have some real doubts." I sat on bench staring up at the gigantic crucifix searching for something. Anything. There were other people here too. An older woman bent over with beads in her hand rocking back and forth and she mumbled to herself. A young man sat at the front. I wasn't sure if he was sleeping or praying. A middle aged man staring at up the cross looking just as lost as me if not more so. And I wonder what his story is. What is he running from, why is he here. Maybe I should stop focusing on others and take a good hard look at myself.

What am I looking for? Salvation? Forgiveness? Mercy? I don't know. I'm lost. I'm confused. But isn't this the place where lost and confused people go to find direction. Hope. I bowed my head and folded my hands just as I saw the lady with beads. I closed my eyes.

"I um...I don't know who I'm talking to. Or if I'm talking to anyone at all. Can God read minds? Is that how this is supposed to work? I just kind of think and you listen? Am I supposed to ask for something at the end of this? Is prayer like a request forum for God? If you're real...I'm sorry I cussed you the last time I was here. I was really upset. I don't normally tend to make a good first impression anyway. Um...I'm just curious but do you hate me? Is that why so much bad shit happens to me. Oh fuck am I not allowed to curse in prayer? Shit I'm sorry. Anyway. I'm really here for just one question I really need answered. God...am I a monster? I've killed so many people. I've had a hand in a few deaths, and watched several.

They never feel good. So that's a good thing right? When I was 13 I shot a man. My boyfriend killed him shortly after. He had two daughters. I'm sorry. I killed three other people just because Chris told me to. I'm sorry for each of those people. For each of those lives I've ended. I'm sorry. I killed Ricky. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I killed Sadie Thornton.

I'm so sorry.

I made my boyfriend dismember her body and my friend Tina clean up the evidence.

I'm so sorry.

I killed Bill Thornton.

I don't do these things because I want to. I have it. I don't ever want to do it again. I just want to be happy. I want my family to be happy. I want a normal life...for all of us. River too. Nothing I've done so far had worked. We always seem to be in trouble. And it's never ending. I just want it to end. That's my request. Please God. Please can I just have a happy ending? It doesn't have to be happy for me, but for my family. Please.

"Don't tell me you're getting all religious on me now." I looked up and smiled at Ryder.

"How was the funeral?" I whispered. He looked nice in his suit. He took a seat beside me and rested his arm on the back of the bench.

"Sad, but most funerals are. A lot of people in town are on edge because of all the death that's been happening lately."

"Was Max there?"

"Yeah, didn't say a word to me. She looked...pretty bad." I frowned. "Pale as shit and a lot of tear stains. Her dad was pretty sad too. He's been through lot of loss lately, and I can tell it's taking a toll on him." I frowned know I was the cause of all of it. "What were you praying for?"

"If I tell you it won't happen right?"

"Do you really know nothing about religion?" I shrugged. "It's not like a wish." He scoffed. "You can tell me."

"Peace I guess." I sighed. He let out of long breath and lean back in his seat.

"I'm worried about you."