Lost in the Depth

Million Ways to Grieve

A/N: this is kinda irrelevant to this chapter but I think I might write a prequel on this book after I finish it. I think I put a lot of stuff into Antonio and Rayna's backstory and it would be good if i went into detail on it. I also really want to write about the start of their enemies-with-benefits relationship. 

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Rayna

I have an uneasy feeling in my stomach but I push it down, forcing my mind to stay sharp.

"One more step and I'll kill her," Madeline says. The woman is as untrustworthy as they come but I fully believe her in that.

"Let's make a deal. You let her go and I won't kill your son." I know I'm betraying Antonio for the millionth time but I have to think quick and that was the first thing that came to mind. Thankfully, I can tell he knows I had to say that.

"What makes you think I care if you kill him or not?" Her words shock even me. She's a real piece of work. I can tell Antonio is slightly hurt by its comment without even having to see his face.

"Because he's your son," I say as if that's enough.

Rolling her eyes, she removes the head of the gun from Alessia's head and shoves her towards me. Her gun is now pointing at me.

She ushers Antonio with her free hand. "Come here, darling."

Antonio scoffs beside me, not moving an inch closer to the woman. Guilt suddenly rushes into me again as I realise that while I keep on destroying him with my words and actions, he still stands with me.

I quickly whip my gun out while she's distracted by Antonio's decision. 

"So, I see you've been crying, dear," she says to me. "Wouldn't have anything to do with dear old Will now would it?"

Of course she's the one who killed him. She's the one who killed my best friend.

She continues. "Funny story, actually. I just got back from the theatre where I dumped his ass. Quite a feisty one, I'll admit. It was actually rather hard putting a bullet in his-"

The bullet's in her heart. 

I don't care about making her suffer. I don't even care about making it long. I just want her dead.

I walk over to her body. She's still alive, bleeding out.

I just stand there as we stare at each other.

I want my face to be the last thing she sees.

---

"Let them all go. Gather them all in the hall and tell them they can either come here or find a new base," I tell Julian and Alessia.

Alessia's been strangely quiet since she found out about Will. 

I want to say something to her but I'm not exactly in the talking mood either.

They leave my office and I walk over to the small glass shelf on the wall.

I grab a bottle of booze and, not bothering to pour it in a glass, I chug it all.

I grab another and empty the drink down my throat.

Then I grab another. and another.

Before I know it, every last bottle is finished.

All I can think is how I lost my mom and my closest friend. And how both those losses were my fault.

I throw each and every bottle at the wall, smashing it to pieces. I push everything off my desk. Then I push the desk over itself. It cracks in three different pieces.

Next is the chair. I pick it up. And I throw it at the glass wall.

The glass shatters as the chair falls through it and plummets down to the city, leaving a gaping, jagged edged hole in the glass, twice my size.

I walk over to it.

My heart is beating so fast. Though I'm sure it's just because I'm intoxicated. My head is dizzy, so if I fall right now, it won't necessarily be suicide, just my discoordination. 

I feel nothing.

No grief. Not even guilt anymore. It's like I'm a brand new person with no memory of her previous life.

The hole in the glass beckons me and I take another step forward.

And another. Except this time, when I put my foot down, it doesn't meet the ground.

And then I'm not in the building anymore but I'm staring up at the sky.

But I'm not falling.

Disappointed, I see that a hand is tightly wrapped around my wrist. Alessia is holding me with one hand and holding on to the inside of the building with the other.

Suddenly I wake up from my daydream. We're probably 900 feet up and we're hanging off the edge of the building.

She can't get us both up on her own. "Swing me!" I yell at her over the wind. The air is thin at this height.

She swings me and once I get high enough, I grasp the floor of the office. I hoist myself into the room and then pull Alessia up.

We just lie on the ground for a while. In silence.

She then brings a bottle of champagne out of nowhere and pops the lid. She downs the whole thing while I lie there, still.

She goes to my fallen desk and tries to push it up. When she realises it's too heavy, she just reaches under it to get to the drawer where I keep my LSD squares. After some struggle she fishes two out and hands me one. I put it on my tongue and swallow. 

Then we lie there again as the world breaks into patterns and textures.

I know it's pitiful.

I know there are a million better, healthier ways to grieve.

But this is our way.