Lost in the Depth

Human

The clubs in Sicily are absolutely wild. Nothing compared to New York, but they really are something. I have only been here for two days and I've gone to three different clubs, gotten wasted at least five times and been high all day. 

I don't even care about relapsing anymore. I just want anything that'll stop me thinking about Will and my mom. Even if that something is fucking a random guy I met three seconds ago.

It feels good, though. I don't know how we got here, but we're in some alleyway outside of the club and he's just in me. I mean, it's enough to make me orgasm and all, but it's nothing like Antonio.

Part of me feels guilty for screwing another guy, even though me and Antonio aren't exclusive or anything. We're not even in a relationship. But it still just feels weird.

After the stranger finishes, we part ways. Me back into the club, him somewhere else I don't bother asking about. 

"Where'd you go?" Alessia yells over the music, when I'm back inside.

"Alleyway," I reply. She understands enough from the one word and smirks. We dance and dance and dance.

You'd think since that's basically all we do, we'd get bored and leave. But we only leave when one of the security guards kicks us out for Alessia lap dancing on some random bartender on the bar table and me throwing my drink at him.

In my defense, I thought I was holding cash and I was actually throwing it at Alessia for her kick ass lap dancing. 

We don't bother catching a cab since the hotel is just a few blocks from here. Alessia and I stumble barefoot and laugh on the sidewalk, our heels in our hands.

We laugh so much my stomach hurts. We haven't laughed like this since before...

Once we're back in the hotel I practically fall into my suite. Alessia goes to her own, probably to vomit her guts out like I'm about to do. Right now.

I run to the bathroom and bend over the toilet seat, emptying out all my drinks into the bowel.

Once I'm done, I just sit there for a while and then go take a shower, even though it's 2am.

I'm so damn tired that I take a shower just to be under the hot water. By that I mean, I don't bother taking my dress off. I don't even take my makeup off. 

I just stand there under the burning water and lean my forehead against the wall in front of me.

Remember how I said I haven't cried since it happened?

Well I cry now. It all just explodes into a mess of sobs, hiccups and mascara.

I cry and cry until I'm pretty sure I'm all out of tears.

I think about my mom. About Will. About memories.

It's a horrible feeling but I don't want it to change. I want to be sad. I want to be cry. Hell, I'm glad I finally am. I was starting to really believe I have no soul.

Being in the mafia means you're invincible. Being the boss of a mafia, even more so. It makes you all powerful. Even though all you're really doing is selling drugs and killing people, it makes you feel like you're on top of the world.

I grew up with that feeling. I never felt anything but that, and it spoiled me.

Now, sobbing in my shower like a hot mess, I'm glad I don't have that feeling anymore.

I'm glad I feel human.