Lost in the Depth

Smoke and Ice Cream

Antonio

Rayna has been distant ever since Will died. It's not a sort of 'don't talk to me' distance, but just zoning out. It's like she's living in her own bubble. I see her getting lost in her thoughts every five minutes. Sometimes I bring her attention back to reality, sometimes I just let her be.

I don't say anything about the speeding car. I don't even say anything when a cop pulls us over. He probably expected to find a bunch of drunk, raging teenagers but instead comes to the car to see three sulking, silent college students.

"Is everything alright?" she asks, half-worried. I wait for Rayna to answer. She doesn't so I look into the rear view mirror from the back seat and I see that her eyes are zoned out. I tap her on the shoulder from behind.

"Yes officer, sorry for the inconvenience," she replies after a moment.

The officer eyes us suspiciously before giving us a warning and saying goodbye, then heading back to her car. 

Alessia asks Rayna to drop her off at her house first and she does. After, Rayna goes to a large house. It's a modern mansion but it's painted a creamy, antique sort of beige, creating an oxymoron. 

I assume it's the house she lived in when her mom was still alive. She stands in front of it for a little while before heading back into the car.

We go back to her place after I tell her I'll get a taxi after I know she's home safe. 

I walk her down the corridor to her unit and she reaches her door, opening it without a key. She must've forgotten to lock it. I say goodnight and turn to leave. Her hand catches my wrist, making me turn around.

"Stay," is all she says. So I do.

I stay with her and she lends me more comfortable clothes while putting some on herself. She crawls into bed and I join her, spooning. And we just lie there. Eventually I drift off into a black nothingness.

---

Rayna

I can't sleep. Even with Antonio here, I just can't sleep. I slowly get out of his arms, crawling out of the bed, making sure not to wake him.

I walk down the stairs and go to sit on my couch when I realise it's gone. The unit is like a desert now. Just walls, floor and glass.

The fridge is still there though. Winter's just begun and it's already freezing but I'm craving ice cream.

That was me and my mom's thing. Ice cream in winter. Will thought it was absurd. I forced him into eating it with me and mom once. He woke up the next day with a cold. 

I grab the ice cream out of the freezer, along with a spoon. I go upstairs, grab a blanket and step out onto the balcony. The tiles feel like ice against my bare feet and I tiptoe on the ground.

I sit in the egg chair Alessia got me for my birthday and open the ice cream. It hasn't been opened before. It's a very big tub.

Cookie and cream. Will's favorite. Mine too. The only type of ice cream I ever buy.

I take a spoonful of it and gaze out at New York City. It's around 4am and the Sun should be coming up in a few hours. The jets leave at 8 for the others but 10 for me and Alessia. It's a nine hour flight.

I still don't know if Antonio is coming or not. He hasn't packed anything so I doubt it. I want him to come, though. 

My thoughts have been short lately. Just memories and ideas that come in short sentences. I know I've lost most of my observation skills and all that I notice is what's right in front of me. Sometimes I don't even notice that.

I hear the balcony door slide open and I continue eating my ice cream, not turning around. A third of the tub is gone now.

"You're gonna catch a cold," Antonio says, standing behind me. That's what Will said the first time he saw me and my mom eating ice cream out in the cold.

"Got an immune system made of steel," I tell Antonio. The exact same words I said to Will that night.

Antonio stands next to the chair, leaning on the metal pole thing it's attached to. I would make room for him but the chair is only made for one person.

I hand him the tub and he takes it. He goes back inside after a few moments.

He comes back out with cigarettes. Smoke and ice cream. Sounds gross. Tastes and feels amazing. I get up and pat on the chair, telling him to sit. He does and I sit in his lap.

We share a few cigs and finish the tub. By the time it's done, the Sun is fully up. We stay outside though.

Now, sitting in his lap, cold to my core from the ice cream, yet warm from the smoke and from his arms around me, I fall asleep.