Loving a Dangerous Life (editing)

Chapter 21 - We're Fighting

Anger, despair, confusion, worry, sadness, lust, tiredness, sensitivity, soreness, numbness, slight happiness.

All of the emotions I could possibly feel were clouded into a small weight in my chest, and it only got worse as I landed hits on the bag. This predicament was all too familiar to me, but passing out in Alex's arms the other night was new. I didn't expect myself to do that. I expected myself to just collapse in a bed, get in a good's night sleep and be fine, but it seemed in my vulnerable state, I let Alex in even more than I already had. I didn't know what to think of it.

I felt like I was going to explode with rage and stress. I punched the punching bag again and again.

I knew that this was no way to deal with my emotions, but I couldn't help it, I've never known any other way of coping.

I was so scared for my family. I knew that my boss would hunt them down, use them against me, and hurt them because of me. I had no way to protect them, to make them safe and unharmed. I just hoped that my parents had finally divorced. That way, their last names wouldn't be the same, so they would be harder to track. I landed another punch on the bag.

Alex must think I'm an idiot, never dealing with my emotions and being scared of serious conversations about them. I just don't know how to express them. I've only ever suppressed them.

Pain laced through my knuckles, and I smiled. The simple distraction of physical pain was exactly what I needed. I punched the bag harder, welcoming the pain. I knew that I wasn't punching right, but I just needed to distract myself, without using Alex. He would make me forget everything with a simple touch, but I can't just ask him to fuck me.

Suddenly, a hand was on my stomach.

"Moving your hips too much makes your punches fly to the side," He whispered. I stopped moving and turned around so that his hands circled my hips. I felt calmer already. "Wanna fight?" He asked. His voice was low and dangerous, but my pulse sped up all the same. I smiled to myself a little bit before shaking my head. I could hurt him with the number of overwhelming sensations I feel right now. He seemed to sense what was going on in my mind without me having to tell him, and I was endlessly thankful as his small touches lit up my body, comforting me.

"Hey." His fingers traced small patterns on my skin."Audrey, this isn't healthy. What you are doing to your body lately isn't healthy." I know... I felt like shattering in his arms as his hands came up to cup my face, his blue eyes the gentlest I have ever seen. I couldn't say anything as I was abruptly affronted with a wall of emotions, overwhelming me to the point where my heart hurt. I avered my gaze from him, wishing I could be stronger. "Beating yourself up physically because mentally you can't take it anymore doesn't have to be the only way you cope." At that, I was shaking from the effort of holding my tears back.

He understood me so well.

"You're not alone anymore, you hear me? You have me now, and I promise that even if it is the last thing I do, I will be here for you. I'm not going to let you do this anymore." Alexander pulled me close, wrapping me in his embrace until I didn't feel like crying anymore. With his words and his touches, and his care, he slowly brought me away from the dangerous edge of emotions, setting me on stable ground for the time being. "You are hurting yourself too much and as strong as you are, you can't do this anymore. I want you to know that I can be your way of coping, Princess. I will be here for you no matter what happens, and that is a promise I will strive to fulfill forever." He paused, holding me impossibly closer. My mind couldn't comprehend enough to talk, but I didn't mind. I snuggled up to him, selfishly soaking up all the comfort he could offer. "It's okay to be mad, and feel overwhelmed by this but you don't have to do it alone anymore, you hear me?" I looked up, meeting his eyes.