Loving a Dangerous Life (editing)

Chapter 54 - Realization

!TW!

I laid there, completely out of breath as everything rushed back, the feelings came rushing back to me. Everything came back. My baby, Zenna helping me through the torture, and my family.

And Alexander. His kisses, his love, his tenderness. The feelings he gave me.

It all crushed into me. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think as suddenly I was forced back into that dark place. Those dark thoughts came back to me, crushing me in such a way that I didn't know how to deal with them. Demons attacked me from every angle. It was the most overwhelmingly bad thing I've ever felt. I was forced to watch everything that happened, and suddenly it was as if I never left.

I pushed Alex away from me, unable to speak, unable to do anything else. I was dimly aware of my hands shaking and a severe panic attack coming on. I just pulled my clothes on, my heavy breathing faint to my ears. I ignored him as he called out for me. I ran to the door. I couldn't do anything else.

I felt so fucking betrayed. I felt so many things. So many overwhelming things. I felt happy that I finally remembered, and I felt relief that it was real. But most of all I felt the betrayal.

He promised that he would tell me about us. But he left.

He fucking left.

And my baby, our baby.

How could I forget about that? I felt so broken, so hopeless when it happened. Tears streamed down my face as Alex caught my wrist. He pulled me towards him, saying something, but I couldn't understand. He hand me in his arms, but I couldn't feel it. I could only feel my scars, every single one of them flaring up in pain as I remembered why I had them. The cut on my face suddenly ached.

I was numb. I was broken. I was empty.

"Why did you leave?" I whispered, my voice breaking as my whole body shook from panic. Alex looked down at me, confused. Anger swept through me, the only thing I could feel among the memories. "Why didn't you stay? Why did you leave me?!" I yelled, pounding on his chest like a drum. He just held me, letting me hit him as many times as I need. I couldn't calm down. I couldn't think. It overwhelmed me. "You promised! You promised!" My broken heart pouring out of my chest was somehow the most painful thing I've experienced. I blinked, the white room flashing behind my eyelids. I pulled away from Alexander.

"Fuck you. Stay away from me." I spat at him in my anger. I regretted the words as soon as they were out of my mouth. It broke my heart to see his face fall. It broke my heart as he realized what I said.

But I turned away.

I walked away.

And he didn't let me. He picked me up, despite me fighting tooth and nail. He laid me on the bed, using his weight to keep me from hurting myself in my panic. My hands shook, hard, and I couldn't control them. I was right on the edge of a huge panic attack, and nothing I could do would stop it.

Three years...

Three goddamn years, they lied to me. They let me make a fool of myself.

And then those horrid memories came back. Those horrible, awful things that were done to me, each one still on my body.

And now I'm laying on a bed, my heart hurting so much that broken sobs were muffled in his chest. My body trembling, my eyes hurting. I couldn't even feel Alex anymore. I was alone, lost.

I'm so tired...

Why did he have to leave? Would he have even cared if I never even woke up from that surgery?