Loving a Dangerous Life (editing)

Chapter 23 - Going home.

Sometimes- no most of the time, things don't work out the way I want. Most of the time, I end up hurt, overthinking, and destroyed. I always end up having to pick up the pieces of myself, restore my confidence, and fix all my damn flaws.

Thighs with Alex moved so fast, I couldn't believe I already was ending them. If even our relationship was never confirmed, it was a bittersweet thing- being with him. He made me realize just how fucked up I was, and he helped for a while. He distracted me while picking up my pieces. I can't confirm if what I feel for him is love, but I almost hope it is.

He helped me feel things again, even if those things were things I never wanted to feel again. He made me laugh and smile, and be vulnerable, and he never turned his back, never left. For this, I would never forget him, even if we were to meet again.

Alexander Zane, the leader of the mafia, saved a small part of me, and I wish more than anything that I could stay with him while the world destroyed itself, and let him fix me completely, but I can't. I have to leave.

I try to comfort myself, reminding myself that I wasn't leaving because I was scared of the seriousness but rather to save my family, but the truth is unavoidable.

I am scared of my feelings. I'm scared of talking about them, and Alex made me see that. I'm scared of being serious and actually addressing my past. I'm scared of finding a different way of coping. I'm scared that Alex will find out how weak I truly am. I'm scared.

I sighed as I pulled Alex's sweatshirt closer to my body, shivering in the cold plane and in anticipation of what I was about to do.

I would find my family and tell them who I really was. I just hoped that they would believe me, and if they didn't, then I would just have to watch them from afar.

I sat on the plane, my head leaning against the window. I stared out at the runway as the plane took off. I wiped the tears off of my cheeks.

I need to be strong now.

Alex wasn't planned, I wasn't supposed to care for him, but I think it went further than just care. I will always care, and damn me for that.

The flight took about twelve sleepless, dark, confusing hours, and the whole time, I didn't move, I just stared out of the window. My heart was being squeezed by a giant hand. When the wheels stopped moving beneath us, I was the first one off of the small plane, as I had brought nothing but my phone. I knew Alex could track me with the phone, and the selfish, die-hard romantic part of me wished he would.

But he won't, because life is a bitch.

I adjusted my hair, pulling the hood of the sweatshirt lower over it as I walked through crowds of people, keeping my eyes down. I pushed through the crowds of the international airport, hoping the taxi I had ordered was already outside.

But of course, it wasn't

I sat down on the filthy ground, playing with my phone and leaning against the glass wall of the airport.

I was numb again, but it was a different kind of numb. It was the kind of numb that told me I was minutes away from a severe breakdown- the kind of numb that dug into my heart and my lungs, tearing out my breath as I sat there on the dirty floor. I fought off the overwhelming feelings, almost cursing out into the night.

The taxi took too long to get there, but I didn't care. It was lukewarm outside, leaving me comfortable in Alex's sweatshirt. I didn't sleep, I didn't move. I just let myself sit there until the car pulled up, signaling at me to get in.

I checked into the hotel. I was in New Jersey now. My parent's house was about ten minutes away from the hotel. I knew that my brother and sister were staying there for the summer break.