The One Who Lived

Chapter One

Ever since Anni died, everyone seems to have an opinion of what I should or shouldn't do in the process of 'moving on.'

They say that I should talk to her like she is in the room – like she is Casper, and if I wish hard enough then she might appear. They tell me to watch the videos that I have of her when it hurts – they don't realize that the videos are more like a hot branding iron going through my chest, than a comforting hug. They want me to take a week off of school – and while I hate to admit this, there isn't any other place that I would rather be. I want to be around people and as far away from my own head as I can be.

The problem that there is with all of these people and their unsolicited advice is they don't realize that I am pretty damn dead inside. Sure, I am standing in front of them – forcing myself to breath, reminding myself to blink at least twice a minute, and to also response every few words – but that doesn't mean shit.

I am so goddamn dead inside that I feel like I actually belong in the ground with my sister and not in this weird world without her. I feel nothing. I care for nothing. I want nothing other Anni back, and I am unsure of how that is going to happen, but it must.

I can't live like this for forever...

As I stare up at the place that I used to hate more than life itself. I can't help but think about how it suddenly feels like the only place that I want to be. Because maybe, just maybe, if I am here long enough, Anni will come through those glass doors saying that this was all some big prank that she and Clinton planned, and that we all fell for it.

"Are you sure that you want to do this?" Hawkins's voice reminds me that he is here, and that I am not as alone as I have recently started to feel.

I nod my hollow head. "Yeah." I say only half lying to him.

Sure, I want to be here so that I might catch a glimpse of Anni, but I also don't want to be here just in case I don't. What if she never shows? What if this is where I realize that this all might be my new reality?

But, there is one thing that I do know, this place is better than my house.

Anywhere is better than home right now.

My home is currently on a constant rotation of three things. The rotation starts with my mother's sobs echoing through the house. They are then followed by my father's footsteps as he rushes her sleeping pills so that she can sleep through the pain. It then leaves me standing in front of her wide-open bedroom door that taunts me – like it is waiting for her to come home.

When I am home, the only thing that I can dream of is screaming. I want to scream into the house until it falls because it already feels like it is crumbling and none of us are doing anything to save it.

I want to demand to know where my sleeping pills are. I want to sleep through this too. I want to numb the nightmares that keep me up at night. I want to fall into the darkness called sleep, and not the horror of Anni's face saying goodbye.

The worst part for me has been her bedroom that is directly opposite of mine.

I am tired of staring into her room where she will never be again. I want to slam her door shut, but instead of doing it because she pissed me off, I want to do it this time out of a different type of anger. This time she didn't steal my top, my jeans, or my shoes — she stole my happiness. She left me with a darkness that I don't know how to deal with.

I want to tell Paul that she is never coming back, and he should stop waiting, but he is just a stuffed toy. He was given to her at birth and was supposed to turn to strings and waste long before Anni.