The One Who Lived

Chapter Ten

Ander won't talk to me right now.

I have tried calling, texting, and even direct messaging him. Hell, I even tried to show up at his house, but he wasn't there.

I know I fucked up by going to school drunk. I know I fucked up by yelling at Cami. I just seem to keep fucking up and I don't know why I can't just stop.

I just want to stop. I just want to be okay again.

"If you could go anywhere in the universe right now — other planets included — where would you go?" Clinton asks, breaking the silence, as we lay on our backs and stare at the ceiling.

A few days ago, Clinton found these stickers that are different sized moons and stars, and they glow up when the room is dark. I helped him put them up, and now I swear we spend all our time staring at the ceiling and talking.

"Why?" I ask wondering what drugs he did before I got here.

I can see him shrugging from the corner of my eye. "I don't know. I was just curious." Clinton answers making me smile weakly.

Lately, Clinton is the only friend I have.

I lost Kadence, Isla, and the girls that day in the cafeteria. I lost Hawkins the day Anni died because he seems to not give a shit whether I live or not. I lost Ander the day I showed up to school drunk and did the one thing he begged me not to.

Clinton is the only one who seems to get me.

Clinton doesn't insist I talk about Anni. Clinton doesn't pretend like he knows my pain and he doesn't give fake apologizes. Clinton also doesn't make fake promises that we both know he can't keep.

Clinton seems to be the only real person in the dark sea of fake people.

"Heaven." I answer making Clinton's head roll over so that he can get a full look at me. "I would go to Heaven to see Anni." I say staring at the glowing stars and wondering what space looks like from where Anni is.

I know this is probably sick, but before Anni died, I used to think 'what if so and so didn't go to Heaven' but I know that is not even a question when it comes to Anni.

Sure, Anni wasn't perfect, but she was closer to perfect than I am.

There is just no way that you can be a good person like her, and not go to Heaven because of the one mistake that caused you to be there.

"Ada," Clinton's voice startles me. "Promise me you won't go before your time. Promise you won't hurt yourself." Clinton pleads sound like a three-year-old begging his mom to get out of timeout.

I really don't want to die. I am not ready to lose my dreams and not fulfill all of them.

I don't want to give up the dream of marrying Ander and having his babies. I don't want to give up my dream of being the hardest working woman in my field, but we don't really get the choice, do we?

Anni didn't get a choice. I bet she was not ready to lose her dreams either.

"It wasn't her time." I whisper, rolling my head over to look at him. "I can't make you a promise that I have no idea how to keep." I answer with the truth even though I know he probably wants to hear a lie.

"Ada," Clinton starts but I can't help but cut him off.

"How do I make this better?" I ask with tear streaming down my face and my heart shattered. "I need to know how to make this extreme pain go away." I whimper to the boy who is more broken than me, but for his own reasons.

Clinton looks at me, softly with his sad brown eyes. "I am sorry that you are a pool of sadness and that you are drowning in it. I am sorry that everyone has not been trying to save you, but I don't think any of us know how to. I think the only person that knows how to is Ander." Clinton starts.